This is NOT a pity party

I've been doing a lot of looking back lately.

Not in a bad way, but in a "look how far I've come" way. 

This Tuesday will be the half way point in my journey for this year, so it is natural to take some time evaluating where you are. A lot of my friends have been mentioning how impressed they are with how much progress I have already, and I'll give myself a pat on the back and say that I'm pretty impressed myself! 

But I do still have little moments where I am reminded that I do have some more work to do. 

Like this, for example...

I like a boy. 

I haven't had a full on hard core crush in a really long time and so my hormones are going crazy now that they have been released.

I used to be very passive when it came to talking to boys. Relationships have always scared me and therefore even when I really liked a guy and thought that he just might like me back, I never did anything about it. 


I was one of those girls who would avoid the guy as much as possible and never try to get noticed because God forbid he just might realize I liked him! And the few times that, that actually did happen, well, I ran. Never to speak to the guy again. 

Then today I was driving in my car, thinking about my crush and how I couldn't wait to see him because I couldn't wait to talk to him. I was doing the totally sappy thing that girls do where I was trying to think of all the questions I could ask him and all the different ways I could try to start a conversation. 

Then, out of nowhere, this little voice started whispering in my ear; "Hold on there Courtney. Don't get too excited, remember your place. Let us remember who you are. You are over weight and not that pretty so don't start getting all cocky." 


Now, don't freak out! I know a lot of my readers are probably ready to start trying to contradict that statement, but as the title of this post has already declared:This is NOT a pity party!

It may have taken me a couple of hours to silence that voice, but eventually I was able to get to a place where I could say; "Wait a second! Remember my place! Okay, yeah, let's do that! Let's remember who I really am! I may be an over weight girl but I'm also an over weight girl who just completed a half marathon! A girl who is loyal and dedicated to my friends, has a good heart and a great personality and who has a hell of a lot to offer! And have you heard my laugh? Because, I'm sorry, but my laugh is freaking contagious! So, F#%^ you stupid voice whispering in my ear!" 

Yes, it is a testament to how far I have come that I am able to turn my thoughts like that and recognize on my own when I'm being crazy.

But at the same time...I hate that voice! It's such a stupid voice. Why do I have it? Why wont it just die?


I'm not writing this post as a "woe is me" post. I'm writing it more out of curiosity. 

I know I'm not the only one who has this voice, but I'm just curious how many of us still hear it so clearly. And how long does it take to kill it? 

Honestly, I'm feeling pretty damn good about myself right now. I've been eating better and exercising, and I'm being more active and putting myself out there. I really do feel so much more positive and...just...lighter. I'm in the best place that, personally, I have ever been in. So, why can't that voice just be dead and buried?

I actually just presented this question to Shavonne since we are working together today, and we were discussing how it goes back centuries. Way back when it was always society trying to "keep the woman in her place". That mentality may still be out there it is not as dominant as it had been and so now women just do it to themselves. We do whatever we can to allow our negative thoughts to keep us in our place. And apparently that isn't going to go away any time soon.


Well, as far as I am concerned, the next time that voice comes back I'm going to karate chop it back in the dirt.