This is NOT a pity party

I've been doing a lot of looking back lately.

Not in a bad way, but in a "look how far I've come" way. 

This Tuesday will be the half way point in my journey for this year, so it is natural to take some time evaluating where you are. A lot of my friends have been mentioning how impressed they are with how much progress I have already, and I'll give myself a pat on the back and say that I'm pretty impressed myself! 

But I do still have little moments where I am reminded that I do have some more work to do. 

Like this, for example...

I like a boy. 

I haven't had a full on hard core crush in a really long time and so my hormones are going crazy now that they have been released.

I used to be very passive when it came to talking to boys. Relationships have always scared me and therefore even when I really liked a guy and thought that he just might like me back, I never did anything about it. 


I was one of those girls who would avoid the guy as much as possible and never try to get noticed because God forbid he just might realize I liked him! And the few times that, that actually did happen, well, I ran. Never to speak to the guy again. 

Then today I was driving in my car, thinking about my crush and how I couldn't wait to see him because I couldn't wait to talk to him. I was doing the totally sappy thing that girls do where I was trying to think of all the questions I could ask him and all the different ways I could try to start a conversation. 

Then, out of nowhere, this little voice started whispering in my ear; "Hold on there Courtney. Don't get too excited, remember your place. Let us remember who you are. You are over weight and not that pretty so don't start getting all cocky." 


Now, don't freak out! I know a lot of my readers are probably ready to start trying to contradict that statement, but as the title of this post has already declared:This is NOT a pity party!

It may have taken me a couple of hours to silence that voice, but eventually I was able to get to a place where I could say; "Wait a second! Remember my place! Okay, yeah, let's do that! Let's remember who I really am! I may be an over weight girl but I'm also an over weight girl who just completed a half marathon! A girl who is loyal and dedicated to my friends, has a good heart and a great personality and who has a hell of a lot to offer! And have you heard my laugh? Because, I'm sorry, but my laugh is freaking contagious! So, F#%^ you stupid voice whispering in my ear!" 

Yes, it is a testament to how far I have come that I am able to turn my thoughts like that and recognize on my own when I'm being crazy.

But at the same time...I hate that voice! It's such a stupid voice. Why do I have it? Why wont it just die?


I'm not writing this post as a "woe is me" post. I'm writing it more out of curiosity. 

I know I'm not the only one who has this voice, but I'm just curious how many of us still hear it so clearly. And how long does it take to kill it? 

Honestly, I'm feeling pretty damn good about myself right now. I've been eating better and exercising, and I'm being more active and putting myself out there. I really do feel so much more positive and...just...lighter. I'm in the best place that, personally, I have ever been in. So, why can't that voice just be dead and buried?

I actually just presented this question to Shavonne since we are working together today, and we were discussing how it goes back centuries. Way back when it was always society trying to "keep the woman in her place". That mentality may still be out there it is not as dominant as it had been and so now women just do it to themselves. We do whatever we can to allow our negative thoughts to keep us in our place. And apparently that isn't going to go away any time soon.


Well, as far as I am concerned, the next time that voice comes back I'm going to karate chop it back in the dirt.

The "F" word...

Well, today is the last day of my Novena! YAY!!! I'm so excited! I thought it was going to be so hard, because I haven't been praying consistently and I've been struggling but I've really been able to just slide right into it and it has been incredibly rewarding!

So far, the hardest time was Friday night and Saturday. On Friday I came home from work and passed out! I didn't wake up until after 11:00pm and wasn't able to start my Novena until 11:45pm! But I figure since Rita is partying it up all the way up in Heaven, she probably isn't much of a stickler for time zones. And then on Saturday I had to work all day and then I had to go straight to book club after, so I had to wake up at 6:30am in order to make sure I had my prayer time before the day started. But in the end, I did it! I totally pulled it off!

I haven't done my prayers for today yet, but I will after I write this post and after tonight's episode of Bethany Ever After. 

Oh, and by the way! Choir? AWESOME! I LOVE IT!

I'm not going to lie, my first practice last Wednesday left me pretty rattled. I thought that all my choir skills from high school would come floating right back to me, and when they didn't and I was pretty rusty, it left me feeling overwhelmed. I made Andrea go to karaoke with the following night because I needed the reinforcement that I actually can sing!

***GET READY FOR SOME SAPPY SENTIMENTS***

But then, after Wednesday night practice I joined the choir to sing that Sunday and I loved it! I was still pretty rusty but I survived it. And it felt really good to know that I was serving my church. That I was participating in mass instead of just showing up. I making more of a home for myself in my church outside of seeing Mary there from time to time and meeting up with Father Boyer ever six months. I never thought it would feel that good, and I'm embarrassed to admit it because it is so incredibly sappy, but it really did feel good to be up there!

***MOVING ON***

So, most of you guys know that my relationship with my older sister has been....well, let's just say it hasn't been easy. 

Yesterday, when I was visiting with my sister before Sunday family dinner, she shared with me that she feels that God is challenging her right now, and that at the age of 31 she feels that a husband and a family are not in the cards for her. 

The irony was not lost on me. 

Six months ago, when I was saying that I was never getting married, I see now that thoughts like that really were coming from a place of fear and not that I actually believed that was God's intention for me. And now, half way through this journey, I know more then ever that I do want to get married and that God will provide  it for me. And it really floored me that Stephanie felt the way she did. 

Then I came home and did my Novena and it just so happened that Sunday's reflection was all about forgiveness.

And that message wasn't lost on me either.

I realized that I haven't really forgiven Stephanie for a lot of stuff that happened forever ago. Stuff I thought I had gotten over. Stuff that I thought I had completely forgotten about, but as it turns out it is stuff that still lives and is breeding anger inside me. I haven't been able to let go of it. 

And I need to. I need to let go of all of it. It's time. 

It finally became so clear to me yesterday. We, Stephanie and I, are women now. We are fully grown women who are living our lives and our futures. 

We aren't kids anymore. Childhood is over. And it is time to let go.

I can't spend the rest of my life blaming her for things I don't even remember. It's not fair to her and it isn't the woman that I want to be.

So, last night, after my Novena, instead of praying in my prayer journal for my future husband, I prayed for hers.

And to be honest, the only thing I felt was regret that I hadn't thought to do that sooner. 

The "P" word...

I remember being told once that the one thing you should never ask God for is Patience! 

After saying a prayer asking God to help you to develop more patience, you can pretty much guarantee that will be the day that your car will die on you, the baby/dog/co-worker will get sick, traffic will be ridiculous and last minute urgent projects will spring up all over the place. 

Basically it is a theory that says that if you ask God for patience, the only way He can help you develop it is by putting you in situations that cause you to exercise it, so you are going to get screwed with for a while until you start acting out your patience. 

That is why, yesterday, when I sat down to go over my Novena for the day (which I haven't missed a day of yet, thank you very much) I got a little nervous when I saw the reflection for the day was on patience.

Yes, St. Rita had incredible patience. And yes, I do see where it would be beneficial for me to pray that God would help me to be patient while I wait for a husband. But every time I go to pray that prayer I still have this little voice in my head that says "Don't do it! Don't say that word! If you do you know you are never going to get married!" 

At the same time that seems so ridiculous. Do I really picture God to be this puppet master type being that is just waiting for people to pray for patience so that he can get his kicks in? Of course not!

So, in the end I do need patience. People who enter into relationships without patience are the ones that end up married to Mr. Right Now as opposed to Mr. Right. 


Do I believe in Mr. Right?

Yes. I have to. 

I've waited this long, I have to believe it was for a reason.


I have to believe that some where out there is a guy who is Catholic but is also for gay rights and a woman's right to choose, he makes good money and dreams of living on the east coast, he'll like all of my friends and want to stay home every now and then to re-watch Miracle.

Yep, he's out there some where. And until he finds me (or I find him, whatever) I guess I'll just have to be...patient.

Who is St. Rita?

I ran out of time and wasn't able to write yesterday, but I promise that I have, so far, been keeping up with my Novena. It feels pretty good, but then again we are only on Day 3. 

Today I wanted to share a bit about St. Rita of Cascia, since she is who this Novena is for. 

I'm saying this Novena for her because she was the saint I chose to be confirmed under when I joined the church. When you are picking a saint to be confirmed under, you really can't make a "bad" choice. Every saint is as good as the next one, that is kind of why they are saints, but you are supposed to try to pick one that you relate to and want to try to emulate. Well, when it came time to make that decision I was really at a loss. I just could not pick one for the life of me. 

Then I found out that my great-aunt Rita was going to be coming down just to see me get confirmed. The church has the confirmation mass on the Eve of Easter and it lasts well over an hour and doesn't even start until after sunset. I felt bad that my great-aunt was coming all the way down from the city just for me and so I thought "Hey, I wonder if there is a St. Rita?" turned out there was, so I picked her. 

Here is her story:

She was born in Italy and at the age of 12 she entered into a marriage that her parents arranged. She knew then that she wanted to be a nun and enter a convent but she was obedient to her parents and did as they asked. Her husband turned out to be an awful and abusive person who had a lot of enemies. It is said that through her patience and faithfulness she was eventually able to convert her husband into being a God-fearing man and they had two sons together. Unfortunately, he did still have enemies and one day he was found violently stabbed to death.

Now, here comes a bit of controversy, it is said that as her sons came closer to the age of 16 they wished to seek out revenge on then men they saw as responsible for their father's death. Rita tried to calm her sons, but when that didn't work she prayed that God would stop them. And shortly after that both of her sons died of natural causes. A lot of people like to say that Rita prayed for God to take her sons because she thought that was better for them then actually sinning, but I don't believe that. I think she knew that she didn't want that kind of hatred to consume her children and so she did pray that God would help them, little did she know that the only way God could do that was by killing them off. 

Anyway, after the death of her children and her husband, Rita set out to join the monastery of Saint Mary Magdalene at Casia, however they wouldn't take her due to the scandalous reputation of her family. They finally said that they would allow her to join them if she reconciled with the family of the men that took her husband, so she did. She met with the family and showed them peace and forgiveness and was then welcomed into the monastery. 

Fun Fact: She is often depicted as having a wound on her forehead because it is said that she once prayed to know the suffering that Christ went through before he was nailed to the cross, and after she prayed it a wound appeared on her head and it never healed. It has also been said that towards the end of her life the wound started to have a foul stench that seeped out of it and forced her to be alienated from others. However, when she did die the smell changed and began to send out the sent of fresh roses. Cool, huh?

I may not have picked Rita for the exact reasons that you are supposed to, but in the end I am really glad I did. For me she represents faithfulness, discipline, patience, perseverance, obedience, peace, and forgiveness. She was a good wife, a good mother, a good friend, and a really good nun. And she is recognized as the patron saint of the impossible, of hopeless causes, for abused women, and for mothers. 

You're doing what?

Today was Day 1 of my Novena! I figured that since most people aren't sure what a Novena is, I would do this post in a Q&A format.

Q: What is a Novena?

A: The word "Novena" comes from the Latin word "Novem" which means 9. It represents the days an individual will spend in prayer to a particular Saint. Once you have decided which Saint you are going to prayer to, you figure out when their Feast Day is and you begin your Novena 9 days prior. I am saying my Novena to St. Rita, her Feast Day is May 22, so I began my Novena today.

Q: What is a Feast Day?

A: A Feast Day is the day that we celebrate and honor specific Saints and it will almost always fall on the day that they died, not their birthday. Technically, everyone will become a Saint when they are in Heaven, but only a precious few are celebrated by the church as a whole. But you don't become a Saint until you die and go to Heaven. So that is why we celebrate them on their day of passing and not their birthday.

Q: Why are you praying to a Saint in the first place?

A: Okay, let me start by saying that my definition is going to be completely simplified. If you need a more detailed explanation you will need to Google it, but here is the way that I see it. First of all, Catholics do not hold Saints on the same level as God and Jesus. We do not worship them on the same level at all. Saints are like friends that are already up in Heaven and sitting right next to God, so they are just a little bit closer to him then we are. Also, they have been through the things that we struggle with so it is sometimes nice to go to them asking for guidance. It in no way replaces our time spent praying to God, it is just in addition. It is as if you are an alcoholic, you are struggling with your addiction and yes it is important to lean on your best friend and confide in them, but it is nice to also confide in fellow alcoholics. 

Q: How long does it take to pray a Novena?

A: On average it takes me about 30 - 45 minutes to pray the Rosary and praying a Novena is that plus additional prayers. So it can take 45 - 60 minutes but today it took me about 40. I was rushing though because I was going to see Dark Shadows with my mom since it is Mother's Day (it was only alright). 

Q: What does a Novena entail? 

A: Well, each day of a Novena will vary but there are specific prayers that you will pray each day. 

1. The Rosary. This involves praying the Apostles' Creed, 6 Our Fathers, 6 Glory Be's, 5 Fatima Prayers, and 53 Hail Mary's.
2. Each day you pray over a reading that reflects over different qualities your particular Saint was known for. Mine are Faith, Hope, Love, Prayer, Patience, Strength, Abandonment, Forgiveness, and Good Will. 
3. Then you pray a Litany which is the long list calling on God, Mary, Rita and others to have mercy or to pray for us. You may have heard it prayed in movies or something, but it is when you say the whole "God our Father in Heaven, Have mercy on us. Mary, Mother of God, Pray for us." and the lines for Rita include "Saint Rita, example of obedience Pray for us. Saint Rita, heroic in suffering Pray for us. Saint Rita model of mothers, Pray for us." and so on. All in all there are 38 lines in the Litany used during a St. Rita Novena. 
4. Then there are three additional prayers all about a paragraph long that are said to St. Rita. 

Q: Why are you praying this Novena to St. Rita?

A: In a nutshell it is because St. Rita is the Saint that I was confirmed into the Catholic church under. But I figure I'll go into more detail about her later this week.

Okay, those are the only questions I can think of to answer right now. If you have any others let me know and I will answer what I can. Tomorrow I will share all about St. Rita. She's awesome! 

Praying a Novena is not as physically challenging as the marathon, but it will be just as mentally challenging. It is hard to go from not praying consistently at all, to finding a way to carve out an hour of your day, everyday, to sit quietly and focus on prayer. And because it means a lot to me, it isn't the kind of thing I want to save until the end of the day, right before bed, when I can barely keep my mind focused and my eyes open. To be present and aware and to mean deeply what you are saying is kind of the whole point, so I can't do this half-heartily.

Not crazy, but maybe a little pathetic?

So, I went and met with Father Boyer today. 

It actually wasn't so bad. In the past when I have gone to see him he has been pretty hard on me. He has a way of seeing right through me and knowing when I'm hiding something.

But not this time!

He was very proud of me for doing the marathon and he said that he could see that I was doing so much better. 

However, he did have three suggestions to make...

The first being that he really wants me to work on my diet. I am a bigger girl and I drink a lot of Dr Pepper and he is terrified that I am going to develop diabetes. Every time he brings this up I so badly want to say to him that diabetes does not run in my family at all and that if I was going to develop diabetes it probably would have happened years ago! But, of course, I don't say that because I think that he would probably say that that isn't really the point he is trying to make.

Anyway, he suggested that I start taking these protein shakes that he gets from the natural foods store here in Norman. He said that in the last two months he has lost 12lbs and that they curve hunger and are very nutritious. I nodded along with what he was saying, but then at the end he made me promise to come back and talk about protein shakes with him in June, so I guess I'm going to have to buy some and try them. It could be good though, I guess.

At another point in the conversation I told him that I wanted to find a part time job for the summer and he mentioned a restaurant called Coolgreens here in Norman that one of the church members managers or owns or something. He gave me his name and said that I should go and apply there. It has been 8 years since I've worked in food service and even then it was pastries and stuff, not actually making sandwiches. To be honest, that part of food service has always kind of intimidated me. 

And the last thing that he suggested was that he asked me why I struggle so much with coming to church consistently, and I said that I think the main reason is that I'm just being lazy. He said that he understood and that he also knew that it can be hard to always be coming to church alone. Which it is. So, then he suggested that I join the church choir. I told him I would think about it and he said "No, no thinking!" His receptionist is one of the women who runs it so on my way out the door he made me give her my number and promise to be there on Wednesday.

Now, here is the thing...

In my last post I mentioned that I am not so crazy that I would make decisions in my life based on whether or not it would expose me to more single men. But I'm not going to lie, when I was leaving the church all I could think is that maybe, just maybe, this could be divine intervention. Like maybe there will be a single guy in the choir (I've always thought the choir director was kind of cute) or maybe I'll meet a guy at the restaurant. 

Does that make me pathetic?

I mean, I know I'm not applying at the restaurant or joining the choir just to meet a guy. I'm doing it because my priest is forcing me to! Which, I think, is like the best reason of all! Don't you?

But come on, it makes me a little pathetic to be thinking that far ahead right? Ugh, I sooooooo don't want to be that girl!

I will not be that girl! 

I'm being me. I am working on myself. I am doing this for me and my priest and that is it! 

I am not crazy! But okay, maybe a little pathetic. Just a little though, and I am working on that :) 

Just how crazy do you think I am?

I finally finished reading Lady in Waiting by Debby Jones and Jackie Kendall. The book is only 175 pages so it really should not have taken me as long as it did to read it, but it was really hard to get into. 

Lady in Waiting is a devotional book, that I read back in high school, all about how women should spend their time preparing themselves for future relationships. I remembered it being beneficial back when I first read it, so I thought it would be good to give it another shot (all these many many years later).

For the most part it was torture! The writing was very patronizing and I constantly felt that the authors were assuming the worst from me. There was one entire chapter about how, as a single woman, I shouldn't waist my time moping around because I don't have a boyfriend. It had a ton of phrases that started out "instead of spending all your time crying over not being married yet, why not spend your time doing this..." "instead of spending all your time throwing pity parties and complaining about your life, why not spend your time doing this..." 

When reading it, I just kept thinking to myself "How much time do you think I spend doing those things? How crazy do you think I am? 

Do I throw the occasional pity party? 

Yes, of course, who doesn't? But it is not like I spend all of my time wallowing! If I was being completely honest with myself I would say I have fleeting moments of insecurities on a daily bases. But, like I said, they are fleeting. I probably only spend serious time wallowing every couple of months. 

In fact, according to this very blog, I haven't allowed myself a good wallow since February 27th!

So take that Debby and Jackie! I am not as severe a wallower as you think I am! And I do not make crucial life choices (like where I live, work, or attend church) based on the number of single men that would be made available to me! Seriously, that is just pathetic. 

I'm sure there are single women out there who could benefit from this book now, but I really struggled with it. 

However after all is said and done I will take away two things from this book...

1) Right now really is the time to make myself ready. 


There are a lot of things I want to change about my life, and right now, when I am single and don't have to factor another person into my decisions is the perfect time to do it. 

I have quite the pile of debt that I have been trying to tackle for years now. We aren't talking the size of Mount Everest here, more like a Pike's Peak type of pile. At this time in my life when I don't have to spread my time between a job and a husband/boyfriend/children, now is the time to take on a second job and get that debt taken care of. 

Or if I really want to move out of Oklahoma some day, now is the time to start planning that before I have to take my husband's job or my children's school into consideration.

2) I want to marry a Catholic. 

This simple statement is something that I have struggled with for a very long time. 

Every time I contemplate this requirement I have this little voice inside my head that says "What if you fall in love with some one who isn't Catholic? Are you really unwilling to even compromise?" And there is a part of me that is scared that by being unwilling to compromise, I might run the risk of being single forever. Is that really worth it to me?

Yes. It really is. Because what it comes down to is, I don't want to spend the rest of my life going to church by myself. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who doesn't understand all of the beauty and serenity that comes with my faith. It is important to me. It is important to me for my future marriage and for my future children (God forbid I actually have any!). 

I have also struggled with the decision to set this kind of a standard because the truth is that I am not that disciplined of a Catholic. I miss church like all the time and don't even get me started on what an epic fail Lent was. Sometimes I feel like I am not strong enough in my faith to attract someone who is looking for a good Catholic girl. But again, now is the time to make myself into the person I really want to be and being stronger in my faith is a huge part of that.

And on that note, I am warning you now to get ready! There is going to be a lot of Catholic talk coming at you on this blog for the next couple of weeks. 

For one thing, I have a meeting to speak to my priest Father Boyer, tomorrow at 10:30 am. You may recall that the last time I went in to visit with him, I left with the realization that I didn't love myself. So I am excited to see what he has in store for me now. I am hoping that presenting him with the medal I got for finishing the half-marathon will get him to go a little easy on me. 

Also, starting on Sunday I am going to be doing a very specific type of prayer called a novena. It lasts for nine days and the challenge to complete it means just as much to me as the challenge to complete the half-marathon did. I will be writing on my blog a lot during that time, as a way of keeping myself accountable. 

But I promise to try and make those posts still as interesting as ever!