A Dream is a wish your heart makes....

Most of my friends know that I am a big believer in the ability of our dreams to help us dissect certain aspects of our lives. And last night I had a really crazy one! I was so moved by it that when I came to work I started looking up what the different moments in the dream could have represented and as the pieces came together I started getting goose bumps by how accurate it all was. So I'd like to share it with you now but I'm going to summarize it a little so that this post wont be extremely long!

Okay, so, I dreamed last night that I met a guy at John Green's book signing on Saturday (which I didn't but the book signing was still amazing!!!). I was sitting out on this paved walkway in front of a hospital with him, and we were talking and flirting and smiling and blushing. Finally I turn to the guy (let's just call him Guy because in my dream he didn't have a name), and I say "Okay, I'm just going to say it, I like you. I don't know how you feel about me, but I like you." 

The next thing I know the dream has fast forward and Guy is all the way across this field (a dried up Oklahoma kind of field) that leads to the parking lot for the hospital and he is talking to this group of people. I'm devastated! I just told him that I liked him and he ran away! Then all of a sudden he has his fists up pumping the air and shouting "She Likes Me!"

And of course, I'm ecstatic, but Oh No, out of nowhere my nose starts bleeding (which in real life happens all the time!), and I mean it is gushing!!! So I jump up and run into the hospital. I can't find where to go to get tissue but I find a door so I run inside. Once inside I realize that it is a nursery filled with just rows of babies. The nurses help me get cleaned up, but I'm in there for a while and I know Guy is worried. 

Finally, I open the door and Guy is leaning against the wall next to the door with his back to me, and he is talking to John Green! I see that behind John Green there is this big bathroom and I remember thinking that I couldn't believe it was there all along. But, anyways, I reach out for Guy and put my arm around him. He looked down at me all concerned and asked if I was okay and I was like "Yeah, I had a quick problem but I'm good now." then I turned to John Green and was like "Oh My God You Are John Green!!!" And we talked for a bit and John told Guy that he liked me and approved highly of me. Then Guy and I kissed and I was really happy, like deliriously warm kind of a happy.

And then I woke up. 

So, What does this all mean?

Hospitals = seeking help with physical/mental health

Dried up Fields = pessimism and jaded prospects

Blood = being emotionally drained

Bloody nose = feeling like your character is being attacked

Nurseries = regressing back to your old self

So the first interesting thing is that I dreamed I told a guy I liked him and then I assumed that he ran across a field to get away from me when really he was going to tell people how happy he was. That was very pessimistic of me! But that is what I assume all the time! And it is that pessimism that I am trying to change (or attack) now!

The other interesting part, is that I am on this journey of change (which is attacking my pessimism) and I am seeking help (which is why I ran into the hospital) my fear is that I will regress back to my old ways (which explains the nursery) and it is going to take sometime (which was represented by how long I was behind the door making Guy worry). 

But then I opened the door to find him waiting for me. I noticed the bathroom (which represents that I had another option all along but I just couldn't see it and chose to run to the nursery) and in that moment when I had my past behind me (nursery) and a different path across from me (bathroom), what did I do? I reached out to Guy. In the end, I chose him.

And John Green approved!

A Perfect Love Song

My friends Tracy, Andrea, and I are going to Austin tomorrow to see one of our favorite authors, John Green, at a book signing for his newest novel, The Fault In Our Stars.
John will be in Austin along with his brother Hank. Hank is a musician and he will be performing a few songs at the signing. So, in looking forward to this trip I've been listening to Hank Green all morning. And he has one song called Adult Female that I think, is actually, quite a perfect love song.

This song is for a girl

no wait I changed my mind

this song, is for an adult female

Is it just me or is it creepy

how often pet names refer to little children?

And it's not just girl

and it's not just baby

it's also boy and I think it's where we get shawty.

So this song is for the adult female I love

And if there's anything she's been dreaming of

All she has to do is ask.

And if she wants me to

I'll do whatever she asks me to do

as long as it isn't really evil

or otherwise makes me uncomfortable.

cause that's what love is, and I have it, for her.

This song is about love

But not what we think of as love,

especially if we are Justin Bieber

Love is hard and love is messy

And it can hurt worse than fire And sometimes it makes you want to tear down a

building with your bare hands

But it also happens to be

the best thing that's ever happened to me

And I'm obviously not a big fan of hyperbole.

So this song is for the adult female I love

And if there's anything that she's been dreaming of

And if I can acquire it with the amount of money I have

without making myself destitute then

all she has to do is ask

And I'll be with her until the end of time

as long as time ends before one of us dies.

cause that's what love is, and I have it

P.S. I simply copy and pasted the lyrics so I don't know why certain parts our in white, that was not my intention but I'm in a hurry and don't have to fix it!!!

Where I've been all day

As of tomorrow we will officially be two weeks into this new year.

As of yesterday I received the second phone call of the year, from my mother informing me of someone in my life passing away.


The first was a family friend, Don. He was in a car accident after leaving his churches's New Year's Eve party not to long after midnight. He died having just left the company of his friends, with his wife beside him, and comforted knowing his daughter was safe at home. 


The second was my uncle, Karl. He died from complications with his chromes disease and decades long battle with alcoholism. He died alone, in his home, on Monday. His body wasn't found until my father managed to get into his home, after several un-returned phone calls, and found him. 


I know that plenty of my friends will say that I am not my uncle. That I have so many friends and family members around me that love and care about me.

But don't you think there was a time when Karl had friends too? Friends who were there for him, years ago, when he went through rehab. But at the time of his death he had one friend. Only one, some girl named Holly that now we can't find a number for and have no way of telling her that he is gone. Karl had four siblings and tons of aunts, uncles, and cousins. But the only family he had to spend time with when he got sick was my dad. My dad who brought him food every week and cleaned up his messes. 


There was a time, when I was younger, that I was infatuated with Karl. I would have thought that he had hung the moon. However, in the months leading up to now, I've been referring to him as my "Crazy Uncle Karl".


Last week I finished reading a book called Will Grayson, Will Grayson co-authored by John Green. In it, Green wrote;

"I just think if you don't say the honest thing, sometimes the honest thing never becomes true..."

Throughout this year, if there was ever one post that I were to write that would just be for me. Just one post where I could say the thing that everyone thinks, but no one ever vocalizes. The thoughts we aren't supposed to worry about because it is embarrassing. 

If I write one post where I finally say that honest thing, then let me simply say this...

This year, this journey, I need it to work. 

I have to tear down my walls. I have to quit hiding, because...

I don't want to die alone.

I don't want to die not knowing what it feels like to have someone choose me.

I don't want to die without knowing what it will take from me, to choose that person as well. 

DeclarationsConfirmationsTestimonials...Affirmations

So, a while ago I wrote a post where I made a joke about affirmations. I was surprised afterwards because I had a lot of my friends (people I love, respect, admire, and someday want to be just like!) come back at me saying; I've used affirmations, I say affirmations all the time, affirmations have helped me. 


I felt like such a jerk after this, that when I did have dinner with Tracy, a couple of weeks ago, I had to bring this up. 


"So, Tracy, affirmations? What is the deal? Do they work? Do you have any statistics? If I start saying affirmations tomorrow, can you give me some kind of a time table for when they will start working?" 


To which, Tracy pretty much laughed at me! 


But she made some pretty good points to back up her laughter.


One being that affirmations only work if you believe them. So, you have to start simple, baby steps, and say the things you believe but are simply trying to reaffirm. 


Two being that, simply put, you aren't going to say them every day. Some days you are going to be in a hurry. Some days you are going to forget. Some days you just wont want to. And some days, you aren't going to believe them as much as you did the day before. 


The assignment then became: what simple truths can I start with?


At first, I had nothing. But after the revelation I had, about realizing that my dark disgusting corners aren't as dark and disgusting as I thought they were, I am starting to believe that I can be loved. 


So, last night, I finally broke out the dry erase marker and wrote my affirmations all over my bathroom mirror. I'm going to share them with you now, and I will say that one of them I am particularly proud of.


I deserve love. I am worthy of love. - I am just starting to believe these two so they definitely need to be cemented for me. 


God has a plan for me. - It is important to remind myself that God does have a plan and he has control, I don't have to worry so much. 


There is something inside me that is beautiful. - I am not at the point yet, where I can comfortably look at myself and say that I am beautiful. But I do know that there is beauty inside me. The more I affirm that small amount, the more I will start to see it.


Sadness begone. - this one is from my favorite movie that I saw last year, HappyThankYouMorePlease. And it basically sums up, for me, the belief that trouble is inevitable but misery is optional. I will not give in to misery again. 


Thank you, More please. - Also taken from HappyThankYouMorePlease, and it supports the belief that if you put gratitude out into the universe, you will be blessed in return. 


and right in the dead center of my mirror...

I AM CHANGING MY LIFE RIGHT NOW

This is the one that I want to scream from rooftops. This is the one that I need to repeat to myself every minute of every day. 


So many of us spend so much time thinking about how we want a different life. How we want to be different people, better people, happy people. I am doing that, right now! It is happening now, I am in it now!


In those moments when I am exhausted and want desperately to get back into my bed and under the covers. In those moments when I am going for my walks and my ankles are on fire and I'm gasping for air. In those moments when I fear I have shared too much of myself. Those moments when I am so uncomfortable and I just want to crawl back behind my walls and take cover from the world...


Those are the moments when I need to remind myself; I am changing my life right now! 


I am grateful that God has given me the strength to change my life.


I am even more grateful that He has blessed me with the ability to be aware of it.

Resolutions

Well, it is officially 2012!!!


Usually, I don't like to make a big deal out of the New Year celebrations. I did a few years ago, when my friend Kate lived here because she LOVES New Year's, but after she moved to Virginia I kind of allowed the holiday to fall to the back burner.


This year, however, I've been more excited about New Year's then ever. I think it is because I've been making so many changes and I really can't wait until this year is over because I can't wait to see what all is going to have happen! I mean, as I stated at the end of my last post, so much has already changed so a year from now...I mean I really just can't even imagine! But, last month I felt like my next birthday was still just soooooooo far away because it was still 2011. Now that it is 2012, my next birthday just seems that much closer.


Anyway, with the new year comes the tradition of making New Year's resolutions.


Kate made a comment, a while back, that she liked the idea of making new year resolutions on your birthday instead of the actual New Year. And I completely agree with her, so I think I will continue to do it every year. But, I do still have two resolutions that I made this weekend.


1. To work on not procrastinating so much! I am the absolute WORST procrastinator in the WORLD!!! But I really want to work on that so I'm going definitely make it a priority this year.


and 2. To walk in the OKC Memorial Marathon!!!


For as long as I can remember, I have always wanted to run a marathon. I don't know why, you can call me crazy if you want to, but I just always have. And with all the changes I've been making, and all the motivation and excitement I have right now, I figured what better time then ever! So, I have registered to walk the half-marathon, which is 13 miles.


My friend, Shavonne, has done the marathon before so it has been so fun to sit at work and just talk talk talk about it. And also, I think my friend Amanda will be doing it with me this year so it is awesome knowing that I have so many friends that want to do this too.


Why is this all such a big deal, you might ask? Well, it is because I am not in shape AT ALL!!! Right now, I have just gotten up to walking one mile a day. And in fact, just this morning, was the first time I was able to walk the full mile without my calves and ankles turning to FIRE!!!


But I am committed to change! I don't care how much it hurts or how long it takes me, I will finish this! If I have to have my legs amputated at the finish line, I don't care, I am doing this!!!


I know I can do it! It will be awesome! It will be amazing! And when it is all over and done, I know that I will be insanely proud of myself!!!


I have lived in Norman my whole life, and I vividly remember what it was like on April 19th, 1995. The site where the building was, was a block from my mother's office. And I remember going to work with her on weekends, and I remember looking out the window and seeing a building and then looking out the window and seeing destruction.


So, I do want to mention, real quick, that I did sign up to raise additional funds for the event. The money that participants pay for the marathon goes towards keeping the memorial running. And maybe I am bias, but I think the memorial is beautiful and perfect. But participants can also sign up to have people sponsor them, and then they get to choose which part of the operation they want the additional funds to go towards.


I chose for any additional funds I raise to go towards the student scholarship program.


If anyone who reads this would like to help sponsor me, please visit my fundraiser page HERE


Thank you guys for all your support and encouragement! And I will keep you posted.