In the spirit of honesty...

So the truth is...I'm not doing so good.

The truth is I haven't been doing good for about the last 48 hours.

One of my coping mechanisms, when I find myself outside my comfort zone is to completely shut down. When I reach my limit, or find myself pushed up against one of my walls, it is as if a switch gets flipped and I am just not there anymore.

But what is making it really hard this time, is that I was just starting to break these walls down.

I have this image of how I think other people see me. I like to think that all of my friends see me as this really energetic, funny, strong person. And I want so desperately to be that person and I was coming so close to actually seeing that person in me.

And now I am feeling it breaking. I'm breaking.

And the last thing I want to do is talk about it.

The last thing I want to do is call a friend and actually have this conversation. Because then I would have to acknowledge the truth behind it.

I want to be that strong person, I don't want to be the one that is breaking all the time. I don't want to be the one that everyone has to worry about. I don't want to be the one who is always crying and falling apart at the drop of a hat.

I don't want to be this way.

And I do not want my friends to see me this way. And I'm just so sick of all of it.

I'm sick of crying. I'm sick of feeling overwhelmed. I'm sick of feeling like nothing ever changes.

I'm seriously at the point now where I just can't wait for this whole project to be over. I can't wait to turn 30 so I can put this whole accountability blog to rest. The only thing that is sustaining me is the fact that I lost almost all my followers a couple of months ago, so really only three people read this now.

Silver lining. There has to be a silver lining, right? Okay, so what is it...

The first step is to accept where you are. So, I am willing to admit that I did not have to post these thoughts. I had the option to roll over and just go to bed. Over the years I have become an expert at putting on a brave face and fooling everyone into thinking that I really am fine. I could have done that this time, but instead I put those thoughts here. Sure, only three people will ever read them, but whatever, I still chose this.

I am such a whiner!!!

In the book The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin, the chapter for February is all about marriage. The exercises for the month were to quit nagging, don't expect praise, learn to fight right, to not expect proofs of love, and to quit dumping.

You might be surprised to learn that that last exercise is incredibly hard for me.

A few months ago my friend (and co-worker), Shavonne, ran into my sister, Stephanie, at a festival and my sister asked Shavonne what it was like to have me as a boss. Apparently, Shavonne's response was: "She's a whiner." 

When I first heard about this afterwards I was so offended! I mean, out of all my wonderful, colorful, and delightful characteristics that she could have thought of, the very first thing that Shavonne associates with me is that I'm a whiner!

But in the process of taking a good hard look at myself these last few months, I have come to the realization that yes, I, Courtney Bittner, I am a whiner. 

Usually, there are two reasons that I am whining or complaining. Most of the time it is because I'm bored. For example, there will be a lull in the conversation so I'll say something like; "I'm huuuungry." I'm hoping that Shavonne's response will be something like; "That is quite an observation there, Courtney. Where do you think we should go for lunch? How about blah blah blah or blah blah?" And see, there you have it, a whole brand new conversation. 

What is the other reason I whine? Well, as Rubin writes in her book, we whine because we want the other person to "help [us] work through [our] feelings of anxiety and self-doubt." For example, I'll say "I'm such an awful boss, they should just fire me already!" For which I'm hoping Shavonne will respond with "Are kidding, Courtney, you are an awesome boss! Sure you spend more time at work reading and checking emails then you do actually working, but you work hard when it counts and that's all that matters!"   **She has never once responded to me that way...not once!

But here is what I have realized, I don't want to be a negative person! I mean look at this blog! Look at all the strides I've taken so far to get rid of my insecurities and self-doubt! Those are some of the major parts of my life where my negativity was getting the better of me. And sure, maybe I'd like to believe that my "whining" is not a major source of negativity for me, but it is still there. It is still present in my day to day life. And if it is such a small thing, then why not get better control on it?

So that's it, no more whining, no more complaining, no more negativity! I'm putting a stop to it right now! It wont be easy, half the time I'm whining I don't even realize I'm even doing it. 

Rubin writes that it is important for me to remember that when I am bored, I shouldn't "spoil a peaceful moment with my irritation". And when I am feeling insecure, it is not Shavonne's (or any of my other friends) responsibility to "spend hours pumping up my self-confidence."

I need to lean on the shoulders of my friends when I truly need their support, but I have to stop dumping my everyday minor troubles on other people.

Mommy Dearest

Today is Valentine's Day!

Even though I have never had a boyfriend, and therefore have never had one of those big glamorous romantic holidays. I actually LOVE Valentine's Day!!!

Mainly because my mom, Taska, has been my Valentine for the last three years!

The tradition started right before Valentine's Day 2010. I hate horror movies! I mean I really hate them! Horror movies tend to haunt me for weeks after I watch them! My imagination just runs wild! 

But that particular holiday, I was in the middle of mending a broken heart, and therefore I was thirsting for blood! I had never in my life wanted to see a horror movie so bad! I wanted blood and guts and gore and violence and carnage!

So, I called my mom. I said, "Hey mom, that new movie Wolfman with Anthony Hopkins just came out. Do you want to be my Valentine?" And being the awesome mother that she is, she jumped at the chance. We went to our local theater that has balcony seating where you can order your dinner and drinks while you are watching your movie. And the whole evening was perfect!

Wolfman turned out to be a great choice too. There was blood and violence, but it was also on the tamer side of horror films. So, I was still able to sleep at night.

Last year, I went to my parent's house to meet up with my mom after she got off work. While I was waiting for her I got caught up in watching the 1978 film Ice Castles. When my mom came home she sat down to watch the last twenty minutes with me. Then the 2010 Ice Castles came on and we both looked at each other, and then we ultimately decided to stay home and watch it. BUT, when that was over, we watched the first 5 minutes of a Criminal Minds episode with Tim Curry, and I had nightmares for a week!

This year, my mom and I are going to dinner and then going see the new Daniel Radcliffe movie The Woman In Black.

My mom is kind, generous, and caring. She goes out of her way to celebrate all holidays to the fullest and makes sure that everyone she loves has a special day. She is a constant source of love and encouragement for each of her three daughters. She was blessed to marry her best friend thirty-three years ago.

I love my mom dearly and can think of no one I would rather have as a Valentine.

A Happiness Project

I actually bought this book (The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin) back in May of 2011, but I didn't start reading it until recently. Mainly because the book is set up so that you will read a new chapter each month. And with each chapter you get a new set of goals to work on throughout that month. So, I was planning to start reading it in January so that I could follow it throughout the year. I got off to a slow start and didn't pick it up until the last few days of January, but as it turned out I was actually following the main goals without realizing it.

On page 3 Gretchen wrote; "All these thoughts flooded through my mind, and as I sat on that crowded bus, I grasped two things: I wasn't as happy as I could be, and my life wasn't going to change unless I made it change. In that single moment, with that realization, I decided to dedicate a year to trying to be happier."

Could there be a more perfect book for me to read right now??? 

Which is good because I'm running out of ideas for new blog posts (which is one of the reasons I haven't posted in so long...sorry. But no seriously if anyone out there has any good ideas for some blog topics please send them my way because I already feel like I am running on steam here).

In the Getting Started chapter she has a list commandments to follow through out the year.

Here are mine...

1. Be Courtney

2. Learn to let it go

3. Act the way I want to feel

4. Don't procrastinate

5. Show friendliness to everyone

6. Be present

7. Move outside the comfort zone

8. Embrace the pain

9. Be grateful

10. Outer order brings Inner order

That last one was actually my main focus this month. The goals for the month of January were to; 1. Go to sleep earlier, 2. Exercise better, 3. Toss, restore, organize, 4. Tackle a nagging task, and 5. Act more energetic.


Going to sleep earlier hasn't been working out for me much and don't even ask me about my exercise program...but by finally cleaning my entire apartment and redecorating my living room, I did manage to accomplish some of the goals. 


Philosopher Samuel Johnson said; "No money is better spent that what is laid out for domestic satisfaction." 


And I couldn't agree more.


Before...

After...

I know my camera on my cell phone sucks, but trust me it looks awesome!!!

I am a firm believer that your home is your sanctuary. For years I have been coming home to a place that made me feel guilty for not having done the dishes or for having not vacuumed in 
forever. Not to mention the fact that my decorating skills mostly consisted of just putting whatever I had laying around up on my walls and calling it decorated. But now, after over 3 and a half years, I finally feel like my apartment is my home rather than just some place I happen to be living. 


But that is also one of the reasons I haven't written in so long. In order to paint 2 and a third of the walls in my apartment I had to pack up everything and move it into my bedroom for over a week. Then I had to spend time moving it all back out. 


Now, in February the focus of the chapter will be marriage and relationships, so hopefully I'll get some good conversational topics out of that. Otherwise this blog might start to get really boring really quickly!