Teen Me

My friend Steph recently wrote a review about a book called My Teen Self (find it HERE), where a bunch of authors wrote letters to their teen selves, and that has inspired the following...

Dear Teen Courtney 12.11.1997 ~

How exactly is one supposed to begin a letter like this? Simply saying "Hello" sounds way to formal but it is not like we ever made up a secret language or anything that I can reference at this point. Plus it seems awkward to begin with lines like "How are you?" "What are you up to?" "How's the weather?" I may not remember what the weather was like in 1997, but I remember how you were and what you were up to. 

Right now you are feeling like the black sheep. There may be large chunks of that day that I have forgotten, but that feeling, the black sheep feeling, I remember clear as crystal. I remember you felt like both your sisters were so perfect. You thought it was because they both got better grades then you or were never in as much trouble as you. But what you didn't realize is that the real problem was that you felt lost and scared and you didn't see that in them. They both seemed so happy and since you were consumed by fear, you blamed them.

I wish I could tell you that the black sheep feeling will pass. But I can't. That is probably the reason why I can remember that feeling so clearly, because in a lot of ways you still feel like the black sheep. But there is a difference. Right now you are allowing your fear alienate you from your family and to harbor such resentment towards them that you can't even be happy for them and their accomplishments. That will stop.

There will come a day when you will finally open your eyes are realize that your family loves you. And you may think they don't see the pain you are in, but they see it. 

I wish I could tell you that the pain stops, but it doesn't. And there have been so many times that I have hated you for that pain. But here is something that I know you need to hear and that I need to say...

It's not your fault. It is not your fault. You are a child, you are! And you are scared and you feel alone and you are utterly and completely lost and you are grabbing onto anything that you think will keep your head above water. And I know at times that pain can do that. In its own sick and twisted way, pain can feel like a life jacket. And as much as I wish I could say something to you now to make you not depend on it, I know that you are going to. But it is not your fault. 

I have spent so much of my life blaming you for grabbing onto that pain. You were a child and you were trying to survive. I am sorry that I hated you for so long. And I wish there was a more solid word then "sorry" that I could use instead, but I can't think of one. I am sorry I hated you and I am sorry for blaming you. 

I know you feel like you need that pain right now, but you don't. You really really don't! And there will come a day when you will finally tap into the strength you have inside you and you will be amazed by what you find there. Because you are strong, you are brave and compassionate and smart and loyal, and okay right now you really aren't as funny as you think you are, but you will grow into your own brand of sarcasm and wit that makes me laugh on a daily basis.

Sometimes I look back on the crazy things you did and I am overwhelmingly embarrassed by you. But there is a part of me that wishes I had some of the courage you showed back then. There are moments when you don't let the risk of possibly making a fool of yourself stop you from doing whatever it is you want to do exactly when you want to do it. These days I let those risks stop me in my tracks so often I feel like I'm never going to get anywhere.

Right now you are also feeling that the friendships you have are shallow ones. Well...they are. You are in highschool, friendships are supposed to be shallow right now. But I can tell you that I have met the women you will befriend as you get older and they are some of the most incredible people you will ever meet. But I can also tell you that one of the friends you have right now will be with you forever. 

All in all, your life wont turn out to be what you thought it was going to be. I can't tell you that all your dreams come true and you live happily ever after. Not because that doesn't happen, but because I'm still working on it. What I can tell you is that it does get better. The difference is so small and subtle that you wont recognize when it happens, but eventually there is enough of a shift that you are able to start breathing, and everything gets just a little bit easier. 

If there was anything that I could ask you to do for me, it would be to call your grandfather and ask him to take you to church. Sounds random, I know. And it may seem impossible to believe, but there will come a day when the Catholic faith will play a huge role in your life. And one thing you will regret is never getting the chance to share that with your grandfather. That is why I am asking you to go with him now. Not because I expect you to be converted now, you may go and the spirit may not move you at all, In fact I highly doubt that it would, but just to have that memory of being in a church with him...that would be something you would treasure.

As awkward as I thought it was to begin this letter, I am finding it even harder to think of something to say to end it. Just remember, it gets better. You are better. You will find your way. 

~Courtney 10.25.2012

The Power of Friendship

A few weeks ago I actually checked my mailbox (this happens only rarely, and hasn't happened since) and I had a very special postcard inside. A friend sent it to me just to say hi and to say that she couldn't wait to see what else I would right about on my 29th year blog. This was very sweet of her but of course it made me feel slightly guilty for not keeping up with this blog to the degree to which I had planned. 

I wanted to mention that because I did want to say Thank You to that friend for the very kind postcard (Thank You), but it also happens to tie in very nicely with what finally got me motivated to write today.

Sooooooo, I have this friend.

I have known this friend for exactly half my life. I wouldn't go as far as to say that we met in high school and have been inseparable best friends ever since, but I would say that we have been in each others lives since then as friends, enemies, roommates, adversaries, confidants, as supporters.

Right now I am feeling like our friendship is in the "adversaries" category because I know that she is lying to me. 

I know that she is struggling. I know that she is hurting. I know that life isn't working out for her the way she thought it should. But instead of being honest about it and taking responsibility of it, she just goes around with this smile on saying, "Oh yeah everything's fine." "I'm fine! I'm great! Life couldn't be better! Job is great! Home is great! I'm starting a new life for myself and everything is going to be great great great!" 

Okay, so, why am I calling her an adversary if she so obviously needs a friend right now? 

Because she wont let me be a friend to her right now and it is DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!

There is some other stuff that is going on between us too, but that's not what I want the point of this post to be about. 

Here is my point:

Friendships are...Friendships are everything. 

I really and truly, whole heartily, believe that it is the friendship you have with people that is the most important thing! The dynamic of the friendships you have with your family members, with your partners, with your peers may all be different but it is that dynamic that is most important. 

It is the friendships that I have with my sisters that I know I need to work on. When I get married, I want to know that I am married to my best friend. 

Anyway, my friendships mean absolutely everything! And when I look around and see that I have some of the most beautiful, talented, strong, brave, courageous, amazing women as my friends it leaves me feeling honored and humbled.

And when I have to sit back and watch someone treat their friends like trash that can be tossed aside or burn bridges with that level of ease and carelessness, it makes me absolutely insane! 

It offends me. It infuriates me. It makes me write really long blog posts all about how you shouldn't treat your friends like crap!

And here is my other point:

We're not in high school anymore folks! 

And this point is a threefold point!

1) We're not in high school anymore so grow up! (this point isn't about friendship, but I'm including it because it is what I want to scream at the top of my lungs right now)

2) Making friends when we are kids is easy. When you are a kid and you go to a play ground all you have to do is start running and inevitably some other kid will start running with you trying to play tag. I have gone and sat with my friends Andrea and Christi at the play area in the mall and I have witnessed this with their kids on numerous occasions. 

Then you get into school age and you are all riding the same bus and sitting at the same lunch table and in the same classes. You see each other 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. You really don't have to put that much effort into maintaining friendships.

So when you find those amazing friendships as an adult, treasure them. Take care of them. It may not always be easy but it is a two way street and you have to work at it. 

And 3)...the best point of all...the friendships we have today are going to, by far, be deeper and more intimate then they could have ever been when we were kids. 

When you are a kid you usually see the world as what is outside your backyard or as your home town. It is hard to realize just how big the world is and how small you are in it. You are immature and therefore, to a certain level, your friendships are immature.

But now we are adults and we get to have these amazingly mature and deep friendships. 

My friend Christi and I were best friends through high school. Sure we were close then and we spent more time together, but now I get to see her as a wife and a mother. I've seen her grow into this whole person and I know our friendship has grown so far beyond how great I thought it was back then.

When I look at this other friend of mine, the one who is lying to everyone and not opening up about what she is going through and instead just telling everyone that every thing is a-okay...

As angry as she can make me, I'm really feeling sorry for her more then anything else. I see the women that are around her. These women that I feel so blessed to have in my life, and I see her being so careless with them. It angers me because I know that if she would just quit lying to them they would all turn right around and support her. 

Whenever we are going through something that is hard and difficult, our friends can't be there for us if we lie to them. No one can help you if you wont let them. And with all the weight of the world that we have to carry on us everyday...the weight of our mistakes and wrong turns...why would anyone want to add on the extra weight of having to lie to your friends about it?

I apologize if a lot of this sounded like ranting and therefore didn't make much sense. 

Overall message: Don't treat friends like crap!

The funny thing is of course, that I honestly don't think any of the people who will ultimately read this actually do treat their friends like crap, but hey I needed to get it off my chest.

And to those friends I want to say, that I hope you know I was including you in the part where I said I am honored and humbled to have you in my life. 

Let the countdown begin...

I had dinner the other night with my two friends Shavonne and Courtney F. And it wasn't too long into that dinner before they both started pressuring me to join Match.com. They made a ton of good and valid points, but, of course, because I can be incredibly stubborn when I want to be, I kept insisting that I would "think" about joining and not commit to actually signing up. 

I do have some reservations and nerves going into the whole thing but I have decided that I am going to do it. 

Oh, God, just typing that makes me nervous. Palms are sweating, heart beat is picking up just a little bit...

While we were at dinner the girls kept asking me what my reservations were and at the time the only things I could think to mention was the surface stuff. Being nervous about what to wear, where to go, getting a profile picture, those kind of things. But since that night I have had two revelations that will better explain why I am hesitant to actually join a dating site like match.com.

1. Over the years my idea of what a first date should be have only continued to grow. I mean people talk about how virgins like to put the penis or the vagina on a pedestal, but when you are a virgin in every aspect of the dating world it is virtually impossible for every simple thing from the first date, the first kiss, the first time you hear someone say "I love you" they are all on pedestals! Basically I don't have anything in my life but pedestals!

And I think that one of the things I may have thought was that if I start compromising the way I see relationships from the very beginning then that will equate to me compromising further down the line. 

When it comes to my future husband and the relationship I think we will have, I do like to think that I am open and willing to go with the flow for most of the issues. I have never really committed to a check list of qualities because I am willing to be flexible. But there are certain aspects of the relationship that I am not willing to compromise on.

But just because I compromise on my idea of a "first date" does not mean that I will end up with some neanderthal who treats me bad but is at least a warm body. 

2. Even though people have always told me not to marry my first boyfriend and to try to play the field and have a few different experiences before settling down, I think I always did feel like part of the fantasy was that the first guy would be the guy! And I only just now realized that the place that all of that stems from, is the place inside me that only ever wanted to have to put myself out there once. 

If I married the first guy I dated, then I would only have to deal with factoring a guy into my life once. I would only have to deal with letting down my guard once. I would only have to let someone in once. And I would never ever have to live through a rejection.

But what I have to realize is that all of those experiences are a part of life. And even though they may hurt, they are still good and exciting and desirable. 


So, why did I title this post "Let the countdown begin..." ?

Well, because I just need everyone to be aware of how important this step is for me. Because let's say I join Match.com on August 1st. As long as everything goes according to plan, I could have my first date and my first kiss, before I'm 30! Which is coming up soooooo fast! 

Seriously, think about that. My first kiss...


MY FIRST KISS... is just around the corner...

This is NOT a pity party

I've been doing a lot of looking back lately.

Not in a bad way, but in a "look how far I've come" way. 

This Tuesday will be the half way point in my journey for this year, so it is natural to take some time evaluating where you are. A lot of my friends have been mentioning how impressed they are with how much progress I have already, and I'll give myself a pat on the back and say that I'm pretty impressed myself! 

But I do still have little moments where I am reminded that I do have some more work to do. 

Like this, for example...

I like a boy. 

I haven't had a full on hard core crush in a really long time and so my hormones are going crazy now that they have been released.

I used to be very passive when it came to talking to boys. Relationships have always scared me and therefore even when I really liked a guy and thought that he just might like me back, I never did anything about it. 


I was one of those girls who would avoid the guy as much as possible and never try to get noticed because God forbid he just might realize I liked him! And the few times that, that actually did happen, well, I ran. Never to speak to the guy again. 

Then today I was driving in my car, thinking about my crush and how I couldn't wait to see him because I couldn't wait to talk to him. I was doing the totally sappy thing that girls do where I was trying to think of all the questions I could ask him and all the different ways I could try to start a conversation. 

Then, out of nowhere, this little voice started whispering in my ear; "Hold on there Courtney. Don't get too excited, remember your place. Let us remember who you are. You are over weight and not that pretty so don't start getting all cocky." 


Now, don't freak out! I know a lot of my readers are probably ready to start trying to contradict that statement, but as the title of this post has already declared:This is NOT a pity party!

It may have taken me a couple of hours to silence that voice, but eventually I was able to get to a place where I could say; "Wait a second! Remember my place! Okay, yeah, let's do that! Let's remember who I really am! I may be an over weight girl but I'm also an over weight girl who just completed a half marathon! A girl who is loyal and dedicated to my friends, has a good heart and a great personality and who has a hell of a lot to offer! And have you heard my laugh? Because, I'm sorry, but my laugh is freaking contagious! So, F#%^ you stupid voice whispering in my ear!" 

Yes, it is a testament to how far I have come that I am able to turn my thoughts like that and recognize on my own when I'm being crazy.

But at the same time...I hate that voice! It's such a stupid voice. Why do I have it? Why wont it just die?


I'm not writing this post as a "woe is me" post. I'm writing it more out of curiosity. 

I know I'm not the only one who has this voice, but I'm just curious how many of us still hear it so clearly. And how long does it take to kill it? 

Honestly, I'm feeling pretty damn good about myself right now. I've been eating better and exercising, and I'm being more active and putting myself out there. I really do feel so much more positive and...just...lighter. I'm in the best place that, personally, I have ever been in. So, why can't that voice just be dead and buried?

I actually just presented this question to Shavonne since we are working together today, and we were discussing how it goes back centuries. Way back when it was always society trying to "keep the woman in her place". That mentality may still be out there it is not as dominant as it had been and so now women just do it to themselves. We do whatever we can to allow our negative thoughts to keep us in our place. And apparently that isn't going to go away any time soon.


Well, as far as I am concerned, the next time that voice comes back I'm going to karate chop it back in the dirt.

The "F" word...

Well, today is the last day of my Novena! YAY!!! I'm so excited! I thought it was going to be so hard, because I haven't been praying consistently and I've been struggling but I've really been able to just slide right into it and it has been incredibly rewarding!

So far, the hardest time was Friday night and Saturday. On Friday I came home from work and passed out! I didn't wake up until after 11:00pm and wasn't able to start my Novena until 11:45pm! But I figure since Rita is partying it up all the way up in Heaven, she probably isn't much of a stickler for time zones. And then on Saturday I had to work all day and then I had to go straight to book club after, so I had to wake up at 6:30am in order to make sure I had my prayer time before the day started. But in the end, I did it! I totally pulled it off!

I haven't done my prayers for today yet, but I will after I write this post and after tonight's episode of Bethany Ever After. 

Oh, and by the way! Choir? AWESOME! I LOVE IT!

I'm not going to lie, my first practice last Wednesday left me pretty rattled. I thought that all my choir skills from high school would come floating right back to me, and when they didn't and I was pretty rusty, it left me feeling overwhelmed. I made Andrea go to karaoke with the following night because I needed the reinforcement that I actually can sing!

***GET READY FOR SOME SAPPY SENTIMENTS***

But then, after Wednesday night practice I joined the choir to sing that Sunday and I loved it! I was still pretty rusty but I survived it. And it felt really good to know that I was serving my church. That I was participating in mass instead of just showing up. I making more of a home for myself in my church outside of seeing Mary there from time to time and meeting up with Father Boyer ever six months. I never thought it would feel that good, and I'm embarrassed to admit it because it is so incredibly sappy, but it really did feel good to be up there!

***MOVING ON***

So, most of you guys know that my relationship with my older sister has been....well, let's just say it hasn't been easy. 

Yesterday, when I was visiting with my sister before Sunday family dinner, she shared with me that she feels that God is challenging her right now, and that at the age of 31 she feels that a husband and a family are not in the cards for her. 

The irony was not lost on me. 

Six months ago, when I was saying that I was never getting married, I see now that thoughts like that really were coming from a place of fear and not that I actually believed that was God's intention for me. And now, half way through this journey, I know more then ever that I do want to get married and that God will provide  it for me. And it really floored me that Stephanie felt the way she did. 

Then I came home and did my Novena and it just so happened that Sunday's reflection was all about forgiveness.

And that message wasn't lost on me either.

I realized that I haven't really forgiven Stephanie for a lot of stuff that happened forever ago. Stuff I thought I had gotten over. Stuff that I thought I had completely forgotten about, but as it turns out it is stuff that still lives and is breeding anger inside me. I haven't been able to let go of it. 

And I need to. I need to let go of all of it. It's time. 

It finally became so clear to me yesterday. We, Stephanie and I, are women now. We are fully grown women who are living our lives and our futures. 

We aren't kids anymore. Childhood is over. And it is time to let go.

I can't spend the rest of my life blaming her for things I don't even remember. It's not fair to her and it isn't the woman that I want to be.

So, last night, after my Novena, instead of praying in my prayer journal for my future husband, I prayed for hers.

And to be honest, the only thing I felt was regret that I hadn't thought to do that sooner. 

The "P" word...

I remember being told once that the one thing you should never ask God for is Patience! 

After saying a prayer asking God to help you to develop more patience, you can pretty much guarantee that will be the day that your car will die on you, the baby/dog/co-worker will get sick, traffic will be ridiculous and last minute urgent projects will spring up all over the place. 

Basically it is a theory that says that if you ask God for patience, the only way He can help you develop it is by putting you in situations that cause you to exercise it, so you are going to get screwed with for a while until you start acting out your patience. 

That is why, yesterday, when I sat down to go over my Novena for the day (which I haven't missed a day of yet, thank you very much) I got a little nervous when I saw the reflection for the day was on patience.

Yes, St. Rita had incredible patience. And yes, I do see where it would be beneficial for me to pray that God would help me to be patient while I wait for a husband. But every time I go to pray that prayer I still have this little voice in my head that says "Don't do it! Don't say that word! If you do you know you are never going to get married!" 

At the same time that seems so ridiculous. Do I really picture God to be this puppet master type being that is just waiting for people to pray for patience so that he can get his kicks in? Of course not!

So, in the end I do need patience. People who enter into relationships without patience are the ones that end up married to Mr. Right Now as opposed to Mr. Right. 


Do I believe in Mr. Right?

Yes. I have to. 

I've waited this long, I have to believe it was for a reason.


I have to believe that some where out there is a guy who is Catholic but is also for gay rights and a woman's right to choose, he makes good money and dreams of living on the east coast, he'll like all of my friends and want to stay home every now and then to re-watch Miracle.

Yep, he's out there some where. And until he finds me (or I find him, whatever) I guess I'll just have to be...patient.

Who is St. Rita?

I ran out of time and wasn't able to write yesterday, but I promise that I have, so far, been keeping up with my Novena. It feels pretty good, but then again we are only on Day 3. 

Today I wanted to share a bit about St. Rita of Cascia, since she is who this Novena is for. 

I'm saying this Novena for her because she was the saint I chose to be confirmed under when I joined the church. When you are picking a saint to be confirmed under, you really can't make a "bad" choice. Every saint is as good as the next one, that is kind of why they are saints, but you are supposed to try to pick one that you relate to and want to try to emulate. Well, when it came time to make that decision I was really at a loss. I just could not pick one for the life of me. 

Then I found out that my great-aunt Rita was going to be coming down just to see me get confirmed. The church has the confirmation mass on the Eve of Easter and it lasts well over an hour and doesn't even start until after sunset. I felt bad that my great-aunt was coming all the way down from the city just for me and so I thought "Hey, I wonder if there is a St. Rita?" turned out there was, so I picked her. 

Here is her story:

She was born in Italy and at the age of 12 she entered into a marriage that her parents arranged. She knew then that she wanted to be a nun and enter a convent but she was obedient to her parents and did as they asked. Her husband turned out to be an awful and abusive person who had a lot of enemies. It is said that through her patience and faithfulness she was eventually able to convert her husband into being a God-fearing man and they had two sons together. Unfortunately, he did still have enemies and one day he was found violently stabbed to death.

Now, here comes a bit of controversy, it is said that as her sons came closer to the age of 16 they wished to seek out revenge on then men they saw as responsible for their father's death. Rita tried to calm her sons, but when that didn't work she prayed that God would stop them. And shortly after that both of her sons died of natural causes. A lot of people like to say that Rita prayed for God to take her sons because she thought that was better for them then actually sinning, but I don't believe that. I think she knew that she didn't want that kind of hatred to consume her children and so she did pray that God would help them, little did she know that the only way God could do that was by killing them off. 

Anyway, after the death of her children and her husband, Rita set out to join the monastery of Saint Mary Magdalene at Casia, however they wouldn't take her due to the scandalous reputation of her family. They finally said that they would allow her to join them if she reconciled with the family of the men that took her husband, so she did. She met with the family and showed them peace and forgiveness and was then welcomed into the monastery. 

Fun Fact: She is often depicted as having a wound on her forehead because it is said that she once prayed to know the suffering that Christ went through before he was nailed to the cross, and after she prayed it a wound appeared on her head and it never healed. It has also been said that towards the end of her life the wound started to have a foul stench that seeped out of it and forced her to be alienated from others. However, when she did die the smell changed and began to send out the sent of fresh roses. Cool, huh?

I may not have picked Rita for the exact reasons that you are supposed to, but in the end I am really glad I did. For me she represents faithfulness, discipline, patience, perseverance, obedience, peace, and forgiveness. She was a good wife, a good mother, a good friend, and a really good nun. And she is recognized as the patron saint of the impossible, of hopeless causes, for abused women, and for mothers. 

You're doing what?

Today was Day 1 of my Novena! I figured that since most people aren't sure what a Novena is, I would do this post in a Q&A format.

Q: What is a Novena?

A: The word "Novena" comes from the Latin word "Novem" which means 9. It represents the days an individual will spend in prayer to a particular Saint. Once you have decided which Saint you are going to prayer to, you figure out when their Feast Day is and you begin your Novena 9 days prior. I am saying my Novena to St. Rita, her Feast Day is May 22, so I began my Novena today.

Q: What is a Feast Day?

A: A Feast Day is the day that we celebrate and honor specific Saints and it will almost always fall on the day that they died, not their birthday. Technically, everyone will become a Saint when they are in Heaven, but only a precious few are celebrated by the church as a whole. But you don't become a Saint until you die and go to Heaven. So that is why we celebrate them on their day of passing and not their birthday.

Q: Why are you praying to a Saint in the first place?

A: Okay, let me start by saying that my definition is going to be completely simplified. If you need a more detailed explanation you will need to Google it, but here is the way that I see it. First of all, Catholics do not hold Saints on the same level as God and Jesus. We do not worship them on the same level at all. Saints are like friends that are already up in Heaven and sitting right next to God, so they are just a little bit closer to him then we are. Also, they have been through the things that we struggle with so it is sometimes nice to go to them asking for guidance. It in no way replaces our time spent praying to God, it is just in addition. It is as if you are an alcoholic, you are struggling with your addiction and yes it is important to lean on your best friend and confide in them, but it is nice to also confide in fellow alcoholics. 

Q: How long does it take to pray a Novena?

A: On average it takes me about 30 - 45 minutes to pray the Rosary and praying a Novena is that plus additional prayers. So it can take 45 - 60 minutes but today it took me about 40. I was rushing though because I was going to see Dark Shadows with my mom since it is Mother's Day (it was only alright). 

Q: What does a Novena entail? 

A: Well, each day of a Novena will vary but there are specific prayers that you will pray each day. 

1. The Rosary. This involves praying the Apostles' Creed, 6 Our Fathers, 6 Glory Be's, 5 Fatima Prayers, and 53 Hail Mary's.
2. Each day you pray over a reading that reflects over different qualities your particular Saint was known for. Mine are Faith, Hope, Love, Prayer, Patience, Strength, Abandonment, Forgiveness, and Good Will. 
3. Then you pray a Litany which is the long list calling on God, Mary, Rita and others to have mercy or to pray for us. You may have heard it prayed in movies or something, but it is when you say the whole "God our Father in Heaven, Have mercy on us. Mary, Mother of God, Pray for us." and the lines for Rita include "Saint Rita, example of obedience Pray for us. Saint Rita, heroic in suffering Pray for us. Saint Rita model of mothers, Pray for us." and so on. All in all there are 38 lines in the Litany used during a St. Rita Novena. 
4. Then there are three additional prayers all about a paragraph long that are said to St. Rita. 

Q: Why are you praying this Novena to St. Rita?

A: In a nutshell it is because St. Rita is the Saint that I was confirmed into the Catholic church under. But I figure I'll go into more detail about her later this week.

Okay, those are the only questions I can think of to answer right now. If you have any others let me know and I will answer what I can. Tomorrow I will share all about St. Rita. She's awesome! 

Praying a Novena is not as physically challenging as the marathon, but it will be just as mentally challenging. It is hard to go from not praying consistently at all, to finding a way to carve out an hour of your day, everyday, to sit quietly and focus on prayer. And because it means a lot to me, it isn't the kind of thing I want to save until the end of the day, right before bed, when I can barely keep my mind focused and my eyes open. To be present and aware and to mean deeply what you are saying is kind of the whole point, so I can't do this half-heartily.

Not crazy, but maybe a little pathetic?

So, I went and met with Father Boyer today. 

It actually wasn't so bad. In the past when I have gone to see him he has been pretty hard on me. He has a way of seeing right through me and knowing when I'm hiding something.

But not this time!

He was very proud of me for doing the marathon and he said that he could see that I was doing so much better. 

However, he did have three suggestions to make...

The first being that he really wants me to work on my diet. I am a bigger girl and I drink a lot of Dr Pepper and he is terrified that I am going to develop diabetes. Every time he brings this up I so badly want to say to him that diabetes does not run in my family at all and that if I was going to develop diabetes it probably would have happened years ago! But, of course, I don't say that because I think that he would probably say that that isn't really the point he is trying to make.

Anyway, he suggested that I start taking these protein shakes that he gets from the natural foods store here in Norman. He said that in the last two months he has lost 12lbs and that they curve hunger and are very nutritious. I nodded along with what he was saying, but then at the end he made me promise to come back and talk about protein shakes with him in June, so I guess I'm going to have to buy some and try them. It could be good though, I guess.

At another point in the conversation I told him that I wanted to find a part time job for the summer and he mentioned a restaurant called Coolgreens here in Norman that one of the church members managers or owns or something. He gave me his name and said that I should go and apply there. It has been 8 years since I've worked in food service and even then it was pastries and stuff, not actually making sandwiches. To be honest, that part of food service has always kind of intimidated me. 

And the last thing that he suggested was that he asked me why I struggle so much with coming to church consistently, and I said that I think the main reason is that I'm just being lazy. He said that he understood and that he also knew that it can be hard to always be coming to church alone. Which it is. So, then he suggested that I join the church choir. I told him I would think about it and he said "No, no thinking!" His receptionist is one of the women who runs it so on my way out the door he made me give her my number and promise to be there on Wednesday.

Now, here is the thing...

In my last post I mentioned that I am not so crazy that I would make decisions in my life based on whether or not it would expose me to more single men. But I'm not going to lie, when I was leaving the church all I could think is that maybe, just maybe, this could be divine intervention. Like maybe there will be a single guy in the choir (I've always thought the choir director was kind of cute) or maybe I'll meet a guy at the restaurant. 

Does that make me pathetic?

I mean, I know I'm not applying at the restaurant or joining the choir just to meet a guy. I'm doing it because my priest is forcing me to! Which, I think, is like the best reason of all! Don't you?

But come on, it makes me a little pathetic to be thinking that far ahead right? Ugh, I sooooooo don't want to be that girl!

I will not be that girl! 

I'm being me. I am working on myself. I am doing this for me and my priest and that is it! 

I am not crazy! But okay, maybe a little pathetic. Just a little though, and I am working on that :) 

Just how crazy do you think I am?

I finally finished reading Lady in Waiting by Debby Jones and Jackie Kendall. The book is only 175 pages so it really should not have taken me as long as it did to read it, but it was really hard to get into. 

Lady in Waiting is a devotional book, that I read back in high school, all about how women should spend their time preparing themselves for future relationships. I remembered it being beneficial back when I first read it, so I thought it would be good to give it another shot (all these many many years later).

For the most part it was torture! The writing was very patronizing and I constantly felt that the authors were assuming the worst from me. There was one entire chapter about how, as a single woman, I shouldn't waist my time moping around because I don't have a boyfriend. It had a ton of phrases that started out "instead of spending all your time crying over not being married yet, why not spend your time doing this..." "instead of spending all your time throwing pity parties and complaining about your life, why not spend your time doing this..." 

When reading it, I just kept thinking to myself "How much time do you think I spend doing those things? How crazy do you think I am? 

Do I throw the occasional pity party? 

Yes, of course, who doesn't? But it is not like I spend all of my time wallowing! If I was being completely honest with myself I would say I have fleeting moments of insecurities on a daily bases. But, like I said, they are fleeting. I probably only spend serious time wallowing every couple of months. 

In fact, according to this very blog, I haven't allowed myself a good wallow since February 27th!

So take that Debby and Jackie! I am not as severe a wallower as you think I am! And I do not make crucial life choices (like where I live, work, or attend church) based on the number of single men that would be made available to me! Seriously, that is just pathetic. 

I'm sure there are single women out there who could benefit from this book now, but I really struggled with it. 

However after all is said and done I will take away two things from this book...

1) Right now really is the time to make myself ready. 


There are a lot of things I want to change about my life, and right now, when I am single and don't have to factor another person into my decisions is the perfect time to do it. 

I have quite the pile of debt that I have been trying to tackle for years now. We aren't talking the size of Mount Everest here, more like a Pike's Peak type of pile. At this time in my life when I don't have to spread my time between a job and a husband/boyfriend/children, now is the time to take on a second job and get that debt taken care of. 

Or if I really want to move out of Oklahoma some day, now is the time to start planning that before I have to take my husband's job or my children's school into consideration.

2) I want to marry a Catholic. 

This simple statement is something that I have struggled with for a very long time. 

Every time I contemplate this requirement I have this little voice inside my head that says "What if you fall in love with some one who isn't Catholic? Are you really unwilling to even compromise?" And there is a part of me that is scared that by being unwilling to compromise, I might run the risk of being single forever. Is that really worth it to me?

Yes. It really is. Because what it comes down to is, I don't want to spend the rest of my life going to church by myself. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who doesn't understand all of the beauty and serenity that comes with my faith. It is important to me. It is important to me for my future marriage and for my future children (God forbid I actually have any!). 

I have also struggled with the decision to set this kind of a standard because the truth is that I am not that disciplined of a Catholic. I miss church like all the time and don't even get me started on what an epic fail Lent was. Sometimes I feel like I am not strong enough in my faith to attract someone who is looking for a good Catholic girl. But again, now is the time to make myself into the person I really want to be and being stronger in my faith is a huge part of that.

And on that note, I am warning you now to get ready! There is going to be a lot of Catholic talk coming at you on this blog for the next couple of weeks. 

For one thing, I have a meeting to speak to my priest Father Boyer, tomorrow at 10:30 am. You may recall that the last time I went in to visit with him, I left with the realization that I didn't love myself. So I am excited to see what he has in store for me now. I am hoping that presenting him with the medal I got for finishing the half-marathon will get him to go a little easy on me. 

Also, starting on Sunday I am going to be doing a very specific type of prayer called a novena. It lasts for nine days and the challenge to complete it means just as much to me as the challenge to complete the half-marathon did. I will be writing on my blog a lot during that time, as a way of keeping myself accountable. 

But I promise to try and make those posts still as interesting as ever!

I am a Marshwiggle

As many people know, my favorite book in the world is The Silver Chair by C.S. Lewis, and I am only now realizing why.

In the Silver Chair, Lewis introduces us to a creature called a Marshwiggle. He describes them as being half man and half frog. They are very tall and have very long limbs and kind of a muddy complexion, not to mention the webbed feet.

Okay, that doesn't describe me at all, but what does describe me is the personality of a Marshwiggle.

Marshwiggles are very pessimistic creatures. They are always assuming that the worst is going to happen.

That is me.

I'm kind of paranoid in that way. I am always obsessed about what can go wrong when I am preparing for something.

Yesterday I set out to complete my first half marathon. And I was terrified. I kept telling people that I didn't want to embarrass myself. I knew that the worst thing that could happen was for me or one of my friends would get injured. But the next to worst thing that could happen would be that I was the very last person finish, and they would be taking the place down and everyone will have left by the time I finally finished.

Well, guess what folks, that is exactly what happened.

No, no one was injured! Thank God and all his angels in heaven for that!

However, I, Courtney Bittner, was the very last person to cross that finish line. Everyone had left and they were taking down all of the barricades. I was so late that the truck that picks up all the cones in the street was literally driving behind me at one mile an hour picking up the cones as I past by them.

Now let me share with you what I have learned about myself through all of this.

I am a Marshwiggle. I will always be a pessimistic person. That is a huge part of my personality, I will always be aware of what can go wrong when I am about to do something.

But there is a difference between being aware of what can go wrong and being obsessed and consumed by it.

In the past I have always been consumed by what can go wrong. I have always let that fear stop me.

But now, now I am feeling much more daring, because now I know that when the worst thing that could happen actually happens...I'll survive it.

I thought the worst thing that could happen was to be last, but I survived it.

If I don't want to do something because I'm scared, guess what, I've been scared before. Survived that.

Don't want to do something because I might get hurt, guess what, I've been hurt before. Survived that.

Don't want to do something because I might be rejected or embarrassed or lonely, guess what, I've been all of those things before, and I survived that too.

I can survive a lot more then I ever thought I could.

As far as this whole half marathon thing goes...

Well I know that when it was all over I said I would never do that again...EVER!

I lied. I've already been thinking about all of the things I could have done differently and I would like to see what would happen if I was more prepared. And there is only one way I can find out! And, I mean, it's not like I could do any worse, right?

And the strongest piece of advice I can give to anyone who wants to do a marathon is...

Surround yourself with the support you need.

Support is the absolute most important thing you will ever need in life. Physically and emotionally.

When we went to the health and fitness expo before the race, Amanda wanted to stop at this one booth to get some kind of support for her knee. While standing at the booth I ended up getting these calf sleeves for my legs. I am telling you now, that was the absolutely hands down the best $43 I have spent impulsively IN. MY. LIFE!!!!!!

So thank you Amanda for making me stop!

And emotionally...I know, without a doubt, that I could not have finished that half marathon without the support that I had from my friends and family that day. I love them dearly and I am so glad that I have so many amazing, strong, and supportive people in my life.

A Possible Metaphor

Tomorrow is the big race day and I am freaking out!!!

I don't want to do this anymore and I am really nervous about what is going to happen. 

I just don't want to embarrass myself. And I'm concerned that I could seriously get hurt trying to pull this off.

But, mostly, I'm just scared. 

This is something that I have wanted to do for so long and now I'm scared that I haven't done the work needed to make it happen. 

Is there a metaphor in there about how I've also wanted a relationship for a really long time or I've wanted to simply be happy for a really long time but find myself too lazy to do the work necessary to prepare myself...

possibly???

Okay, yeah, it is possible...but I can't think about that now! 

I'M FREAKING OUT!!!

I'M JUST TRYING TO SURVIVE THE NEXT TWENTY FOUR HOURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, dear God! Please pray for me friends! For me and Amanda and Shavonne and all the other people taking part in the marathon race tomorrow! Please pray that no one gets injured and that we are all able to finish strong.

In need of consistency!

 So, last week I set out to take a 4 mile walk around my neighborhood. I have really weak ankles and I had these new braces I wanted to try out. *actually they weren't that new, I got them weeks ago but I've been lazy and really bad about putting off my walking training, but whatever...*

I decided that morning I was going to walk and when it came time to go, I just went. I didn't even think about doing any of my stretches or anything. It was like I just had to start moving, so I did. 

And it felt great! I walked the entire 4 miles with hardly any pain at all! It was incredible. The weather was slightly rainy and cold, but I was bundled up in a sweatshirt so I felt really good. 

The entire walk took me 1 hour and 50 minutes, which I thought was pretty good. I mean, some people can walk a mile in 15 minutes and keep up a great pace, but again, I've been really lazy lately so I'm just not that person. Also, I had my dog with me and he likes to sniff and pee on everything! 

On Sunday, my following day off, I decided to give 4 miles another shot. I got bundled up and did a few stretches, put on my braces and hit the road.

My ankle felt as if I was being stabbed before I left the parking lot of my apartment building! 

It was awful! And frustrating! And painful! And made me hysterical with anger!

Where the hell is some consistency???

I mean, maybe I'm the crazy one, but I just think that if something helps you one day, it should always help you!!!

Okay, okay, fine, maybe not "always", but at least three days later! 

If I'm able to wear a brace and feel great one day, then three days later it should still feel great! Is that really too much to ask for?

Even though I was pretty mad at my ankle when all of this was going on, the thing I kept repeating to myself was "This is what you asked for. You wanted it to hurt. You wanted this to be hard. You wanted to see what you were made of, and this pain is a part of all of that."  And the good thing is that after the first 2 miles, my ankle had pretty much warmed up and the pain eased.

The other problem I was having on Sunday vs. Thursday is that, by Sunday it was actually a lot warmer outside then it had been on Thursday. With me walking around in all my layers, I was sweating pretty quickly. And I didn't have any water or a sports drink with me, so I was becoming slightly dehydrated. 

In all, the 4 mile walk took me 2 hours and 9 minutes on Sunday. Which was almost 20 minutes more then it had on Thursday. But the time really isn't important to me. I still walked 4 miles! And I reached 15,128 steps on my pedometer!

And because my walk took so much longer, by the time I got back to my apartment I was running late to go to my parents house for Sunday dinner. I had to jump in the shower, rinse off, throw on some clothes, and get out the door. After my long walk I wasn't able to just pass out. I had to keep moving. And I did. So, that's pretty cool too!

Tomorrow I am going to shoot for 5 miles! I can only really take these long walks on my days off, so I'm hoping to do 5 miles on Wednesday, Saturday, and Sunday. I'll keep you posted!

Jerry Maguire is a liar?

I started out this year with only one book that I was going to look to for guidance, but now I am surrounded with books that I can't read fast enough.

Along with, The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin, I am also reading Lady in Waiting by Debby Jones and Jackie Kendall, Praying For Your Future Husband by Robin Jones Gunn and Tricia Goyer, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray, and Calm My Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow.

Do you see the wealth of knowledge I have in front of me! 

I'm currently reading Lady in Waiting, which is actually a devotional I did over ten years ago. I still had it in my apartment and I thought it would be perfect to go back and read through real quick. It is coming from a very religious and evangelical place, but I am going to try to keep my posts as neutral as I can. 

It is sad that in this day and age I feel that I have to be neutral, because I am a Christian woman and I have my faith, but I fear that when you start making things too evangelical people just stop listening. For example if I say something like; "I have to learn to trust in Jesus." Some people would just hear that one part and ignore everything else that i'm talking about. But if I say; "I have to learn to trust in myself." at the end of an argument. Then those people would probably rally around and support my cause. 

Anyway, that is a soapbox for a whole other time and place.

The first chapter of Lady in Waiting talks about being a "Lady of Reckless Abandonment".

In this chapter it talks about how young women in Jesus's time, used to have these alabaster boxes. In these boxes they would save oils and spices to one day be given to their husband. But there was one young women who came and broke her box at the feet of Jesus. She was so committed to following him, and so trusting of him, that she looked to him for her future happiness. Being a Lady of Reckless Abandonment means that we need to break our boxes at the feet of Jesus and look to him for completion. 

Okay, I know that may sound a little too evangelical, but stay with me.

I truly believe that we, as human beings, were not made to complete each other. 

William Butler Yeats said that "Happiness is neither virtue nor pleasure nor this thing nor that, but simply growth. We are happy when we are growing."

Human beings are always growing and always changing. That is what makes these lifelong relationships so hard. People are not always growing at the same rate or changing at the same time. That would be impossible. And in that sense, we are never truly complete. All we can hope for is to be the best versions of ourselves with who we are right now.

That is why I think saying things like "You complete me." or "I can't live without you." are a lie, and I'm sorry, but they are a little unhealthy.

I want to marry a man who is strong. Who can carry me when I'm falling and pick up the slack when I'm weak. But most of the time, I am going to want to stand on my own two feet. And I want that man that is going to stand beside me. At the same time, I know that I want to carry him when he falls but I want to stand beside him. I'm going to need to know that if something ever happens to me, that he will find the strength to move on with his life and be happy. And I would like to think that I would be able to find the strength to do the same if it should ever come to that.

And if I only look to my future husband to complete me and be my strength, how much would that be draining him? As a mere human, he is not built to be my strength all of the time. And I'm not being much of a team player if I'm always looking for him to carry the heavy burdens. That is why it is so important to be able to stand on my own and find my completion and strength in my faith [or just in myself] before I even get into a serious relationship.

Because can you imagine what would happen if I went into a serious relationship as an incomplete person? God, I would become one of those girls who loses their entire personality and becomes what they think that man wants just to keep him around. Um, no thank you!

And on another note, if you believe in the theory that when two people are in love they complete each other, what does that say for all us single ladies? If I were to continue on in my life being single, never getting married and never finding love, does that mean that I have to wander the world with some big gap inside me that will never be filled? I will always be incomplete because I never found that love that would make me a whole person! HELL NO!!!

My faith completes me. My faith is my strength. Maybe other people find their completion somewhere else, and that is fine for them, I'm not here to judge. Unless they are saying they found it in another person and them, well, yes I am judging you. (just being honest) But I found mine in my faith and I will continue to find it there, no matter if a man does or does not come into my life. 

Okay, now that I am actually sitting here, writing all of this, I fear that it is too disjointed. Like my thoughts aren't really making sense or tying together. So let me end with this...

Even though Jerry Maguire may have lied to us by saying "You complete me." And Jennifer Cavalleri may have lied to us by saying "Love means never having to say you're sorry" movies are not all bad...

Melvin Udall did not lie to us when he said; "You make me want to be a better man."

I think, at the end of the day, that is all we can ask for. That our love for the people in our lives inspires them to be kinder, to be stronger, to be braver. We can't make them that way, nor should we. But to inspire them, well that is all we can ask for. 





So, really, how did I do? Was that all sketchy? That felt very sketchy to me, like I was all over the place. Did it make sense? Did you agree? Or am I crazy? Please let me know in the comments!!!

In the spirit of honesty...

So the truth is...I'm not doing so good.

The truth is I haven't been doing good for about the last 48 hours.

One of my coping mechanisms, when I find myself outside my comfort zone is to completely shut down. When I reach my limit, or find myself pushed up against one of my walls, it is as if a switch gets flipped and I am just not there anymore.

But what is making it really hard this time, is that I was just starting to break these walls down.

I have this image of how I think other people see me. I like to think that all of my friends see me as this really energetic, funny, strong person. And I want so desperately to be that person and I was coming so close to actually seeing that person in me.

And now I am feeling it breaking. I'm breaking.

And the last thing I want to do is talk about it.

The last thing I want to do is call a friend and actually have this conversation. Because then I would have to acknowledge the truth behind it.

I want to be that strong person, I don't want to be the one that is breaking all the time. I don't want to be the one that everyone has to worry about. I don't want to be the one who is always crying and falling apart at the drop of a hat.

I don't want to be this way.

And I do not want my friends to see me this way. And I'm just so sick of all of it.

I'm sick of crying. I'm sick of feeling overwhelmed. I'm sick of feeling like nothing ever changes.

I'm seriously at the point now where I just can't wait for this whole project to be over. I can't wait to turn 30 so I can put this whole accountability blog to rest. The only thing that is sustaining me is the fact that I lost almost all my followers a couple of months ago, so really only three people read this now.

Silver lining. There has to be a silver lining, right? Okay, so what is it...

The first step is to accept where you are. So, I am willing to admit that I did not have to post these thoughts. I had the option to roll over and just go to bed. Over the years I have become an expert at putting on a brave face and fooling everyone into thinking that I really am fine. I could have done that this time, but instead I put those thoughts here. Sure, only three people will ever read them, but whatever, I still chose this.

I am such a whiner!!!

In the book The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin, the chapter for February is all about marriage. The exercises for the month were to quit nagging, don't expect praise, learn to fight right, to not expect proofs of love, and to quit dumping.

You might be surprised to learn that that last exercise is incredibly hard for me.

A few months ago my friend (and co-worker), Shavonne, ran into my sister, Stephanie, at a festival and my sister asked Shavonne what it was like to have me as a boss. Apparently, Shavonne's response was: "She's a whiner." 

When I first heard about this afterwards I was so offended! I mean, out of all my wonderful, colorful, and delightful characteristics that she could have thought of, the very first thing that Shavonne associates with me is that I'm a whiner!

But in the process of taking a good hard look at myself these last few months, I have come to the realization that yes, I, Courtney Bittner, I am a whiner. 

Usually, there are two reasons that I am whining or complaining. Most of the time it is because I'm bored. For example, there will be a lull in the conversation so I'll say something like; "I'm huuuungry." I'm hoping that Shavonne's response will be something like; "That is quite an observation there, Courtney. Where do you think we should go for lunch? How about blah blah blah or blah blah?" And see, there you have it, a whole brand new conversation. 

What is the other reason I whine? Well, as Rubin writes in her book, we whine because we want the other person to "help [us] work through [our] feelings of anxiety and self-doubt." For example, I'll say "I'm such an awful boss, they should just fire me already!" For which I'm hoping Shavonne will respond with "Are kidding, Courtney, you are an awesome boss! Sure you spend more time at work reading and checking emails then you do actually working, but you work hard when it counts and that's all that matters!"   **She has never once responded to me that way...not once!

But here is what I have realized, I don't want to be a negative person! I mean look at this blog! Look at all the strides I've taken so far to get rid of my insecurities and self-doubt! Those are some of the major parts of my life where my negativity was getting the better of me. And sure, maybe I'd like to believe that my "whining" is not a major source of negativity for me, but it is still there. It is still present in my day to day life. And if it is such a small thing, then why not get better control on it?

So that's it, no more whining, no more complaining, no more negativity! I'm putting a stop to it right now! It wont be easy, half the time I'm whining I don't even realize I'm even doing it. 

Rubin writes that it is important for me to remember that when I am bored, I shouldn't "spoil a peaceful moment with my irritation". And when I am feeling insecure, it is not Shavonne's (or any of my other friends) responsibility to "spend hours pumping up my self-confidence."

I need to lean on the shoulders of my friends when I truly need their support, but I have to stop dumping my everyday minor troubles on other people.

Mommy Dearest

Today is Valentine's Day!

Even though I have never had a boyfriend, and therefore have never had one of those big glamorous romantic holidays. I actually LOVE Valentine's Day!!!

Mainly because my mom, Taska, has been my Valentine for the last three years!

The tradition started right before Valentine's Day 2010. I hate horror movies! I mean I really hate them! Horror movies tend to haunt me for weeks after I watch them! My imagination just runs wild! 

But that particular holiday, I was in the middle of mending a broken heart, and therefore I was thirsting for blood! I had never in my life wanted to see a horror movie so bad! I wanted blood and guts and gore and violence and carnage!

So, I called my mom. I said, "Hey mom, that new movie Wolfman with Anthony Hopkins just came out. Do you want to be my Valentine?" And being the awesome mother that she is, she jumped at the chance. We went to our local theater that has balcony seating where you can order your dinner and drinks while you are watching your movie. And the whole evening was perfect!

Wolfman turned out to be a great choice too. There was blood and violence, but it was also on the tamer side of horror films. So, I was still able to sleep at night.

Last year, I went to my parent's house to meet up with my mom after she got off work. While I was waiting for her I got caught up in watching the 1978 film Ice Castles. When my mom came home she sat down to watch the last twenty minutes with me. Then the 2010 Ice Castles came on and we both looked at each other, and then we ultimately decided to stay home and watch it. BUT, when that was over, we watched the first 5 minutes of a Criminal Minds episode with Tim Curry, and I had nightmares for a week!

This year, my mom and I are going to dinner and then going see the new Daniel Radcliffe movie The Woman In Black.

My mom is kind, generous, and caring. She goes out of her way to celebrate all holidays to the fullest and makes sure that everyone she loves has a special day. She is a constant source of love and encouragement for each of her three daughters. She was blessed to marry her best friend thirty-three years ago.

I love my mom dearly and can think of no one I would rather have as a Valentine.

A Happiness Project

I actually bought this book (The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin) back in May of 2011, but I didn't start reading it until recently. Mainly because the book is set up so that you will read a new chapter each month. And with each chapter you get a new set of goals to work on throughout that month. So, I was planning to start reading it in January so that I could follow it throughout the year. I got off to a slow start and didn't pick it up until the last few days of January, but as it turned out I was actually following the main goals without realizing it.

On page 3 Gretchen wrote; "All these thoughts flooded through my mind, and as I sat on that crowded bus, I grasped two things: I wasn't as happy as I could be, and my life wasn't going to change unless I made it change. In that single moment, with that realization, I decided to dedicate a year to trying to be happier."

Could there be a more perfect book for me to read right now??? 

Which is good because I'm running out of ideas for new blog posts (which is one of the reasons I haven't posted in so long...sorry. But no seriously if anyone out there has any good ideas for some blog topics please send them my way because I already feel like I am running on steam here).

In the Getting Started chapter she has a list commandments to follow through out the year.

Here are mine...

1. Be Courtney

2. Learn to let it go

3. Act the way I want to feel

4. Don't procrastinate

5. Show friendliness to everyone

6. Be present

7. Move outside the comfort zone

8. Embrace the pain

9. Be grateful

10. Outer order brings Inner order

That last one was actually my main focus this month. The goals for the month of January were to; 1. Go to sleep earlier, 2. Exercise better, 3. Toss, restore, organize, 4. Tackle a nagging task, and 5. Act more energetic.


Going to sleep earlier hasn't been working out for me much and don't even ask me about my exercise program...but by finally cleaning my entire apartment and redecorating my living room, I did manage to accomplish some of the goals. 


Philosopher Samuel Johnson said; "No money is better spent that what is laid out for domestic satisfaction." 


And I couldn't agree more.


Before...

After...

I know my camera on my cell phone sucks, but trust me it looks awesome!!!

I am a firm believer that your home is your sanctuary. For years I have been coming home to a place that made me feel guilty for not having done the dishes or for having not vacuumed in 
forever. Not to mention the fact that my decorating skills mostly consisted of just putting whatever I had laying around up on my walls and calling it decorated. But now, after over 3 and a half years, I finally feel like my apartment is my home rather than just some place I happen to be living. 


But that is also one of the reasons I haven't written in so long. In order to paint 2 and a third of the walls in my apartment I had to pack up everything and move it into my bedroom for over a week. Then I had to spend time moving it all back out. 


Now, in February the focus of the chapter will be marriage and relationships, so hopefully I'll get some good conversational topics out of that. Otherwise this blog might start to get really boring really quickly! 

A Dream is a wish your heart makes....

Most of my friends know that I am a big believer in the ability of our dreams to help us dissect certain aspects of our lives. And last night I had a really crazy one! I was so moved by it that when I came to work I started looking up what the different moments in the dream could have represented and as the pieces came together I started getting goose bumps by how accurate it all was. So I'd like to share it with you now but I'm going to summarize it a little so that this post wont be extremely long!

Okay, so, I dreamed last night that I met a guy at John Green's book signing on Saturday (which I didn't but the book signing was still amazing!!!). I was sitting out on this paved walkway in front of a hospital with him, and we were talking and flirting and smiling and blushing. Finally I turn to the guy (let's just call him Guy because in my dream he didn't have a name), and I say "Okay, I'm just going to say it, I like you. I don't know how you feel about me, but I like you." 

The next thing I know the dream has fast forward and Guy is all the way across this field (a dried up Oklahoma kind of field) that leads to the parking lot for the hospital and he is talking to this group of people. I'm devastated! I just told him that I liked him and he ran away! Then all of a sudden he has his fists up pumping the air and shouting "She Likes Me!"

And of course, I'm ecstatic, but Oh No, out of nowhere my nose starts bleeding (which in real life happens all the time!), and I mean it is gushing!!! So I jump up and run into the hospital. I can't find where to go to get tissue but I find a door so I run inside. Once inside I realize that it is a nursery filled with just rows of babies. The nurses help me get cleaned up, but I'm in there for a while and I know Guy is worried. 

Finally, I open the door and Guy is leaning against the wall next to the door with his back to me, and he is talking to John Green! I see that behind John Green there is this big bathroom and I remember thinking that I couldn't believe it was there all along. But, anyways, I reach out for Guy and put my arm around him. He looked down at me all concerned and asked if I was okay and I was like "Yeah, I had a quick problem but I'm good now." then I turned to John Green and was like "Oh My God You Are John Green!!!" And we talked for a bit and John told Guy that he liked me and approved highly of me. Then Guy and I kissed and I was really happy, like deliriously warm kind of a happy.

And then I woke up. 

So, What does this all mean?

Hospitals = seeking help with physical/mental health

Dried up Fields = pessimism and jaded prospects

Blood = being emotionally drained

Bloody nose = feeling like your character is being attacked

Nurseries = regressing back to your old self

So the first interesting thing is that I dreamed I told a guy I liked him and then I assumed that he ran across a field to get away from me when really he was going to tell people how happy he was. That was very pessimistic of me! But that is what I assume all the time! And it is that pessimism that I am trying to change (or attack) now!

The other interesting part, is that I am on this journey of change (which is attacking my pessimism) and I am seeking help (which is why I ran into the hospital) my fear is that I will regress back to my old ways (which explains the nursery) and it is going to take sometime (which was represented by how long I was behind the door making Guy worry). 

But then I opened the door to find him waiting for me. I noticed the bathroom (which represents that I had another option all along but I just couldn't see it and chose to run to the nursery) and in that moment when I had my past behind me (nursery) and a different path across from me (bathroom), what did I do? I reached out to Guy. In the end, I chose him.

And John Green approved!

A Perfect Love Song

My friends Tracy, Andrea, and I are going to Austin tomorrow to see one of our favorite authors, John Green, at a book signing for his newest novel, The Fault In Our Stars.
John will be in Austin along with his brother Hank. Hank is a musician and he will be performing a few songs at the signing. So, in looking forward to this trip I've been listening to Hank Green all morning. And he has one song called Adult Female that I think, is actually, quite a perfect love song.

This song is for a girl

no wait I changed my mind

this song, is for an adult female

Is it just me or is it creepy

how often pet names refer to little children?

And it's not just girl

and it's not just baby

it's also boy and I think it's where we get shawty.

So this song is for the adult female I love

And if there's anything she's been dreaming of

All she has to do is ask.

And if she wants me to

I'll do whatever she asks me to do

as long as it isn't really evil

or otherwise makes me uncomfortable.

cause that's what love is, and I have it, for her.

This song is about love

But not what we think of as love,

especially if we are Justin Bieber

Love is hard and love is messy

And it can hurt worse than fire And sometimes it makes you want to tear down a

building with your bare hands

But it also happens to be

the best thing that's ever happened to me

And I'm obviously not a big fan of hyperbole.

So this song is for the adult female I love

And if there's anything that she's been dreaming of

And if I can acquire it with the amount of money I have

without making myself destitute then

all she has to do is ask

And I'll be with her until the end of time

as long as time ends before one of us dies.

cause that's what love is, and I have it

P.S. I simply copy and pasted the lyrics so I don't know why certain parts our in white, that was not my intention but I'm in a hurry and don't have to fix it!!!