The "F" word...

Well, today is the last day of my Novena! YAY!!! I'm so excited! I thought it was going to be so hard, because I haven't been praying consistently and I've been struggling but I've really been able to just slide right into it and it has been incredibly rewarding!

So far, the hardest time was Friday night and Saturday. On Friday I came home from work and passed out! I didn't wake up until after 11:00pm and wasn't able to start my Novena until 11:45pm! But I figure since Rita is partying it up all the way up in Heaven, she probably isn't much of a stickler for time zones. And then on Saturday I had to work all day and then I had to go straight to book club after, so I had to wake up at 6:30am in order to make sure I had my prayer time before the day started. But in the end, I did it! I totally pulled it off!

I haven't done my prayers for today yet, but I will after I write this post and after tonight's episode of Bethany Ever After. 

Oh, and by the way! Choir? AWESOME! I LOVE IT!

I'm not going to lie, my first practice last Wednesday left me pretty rattled. I thought that all my choir skills from high school would come floating right back to me, and when they didn't and I was pretty rusty, it left me feeling overwhelmed. I made Andrea go to karaoke with the following night because I needed the reinforcement that I actually can sing!

***GET READY FOR SOME SAPPY SENTIMENTS***

But then, after Wednesday night practice I joined the choir to sing that Sunday and I loved it! I was still pretty rusty but I survived it. And it felt really good to know that I was serving my church. That I was participating in mass instead of just showing up. I making more of a home for myself in my church outside of seeing Mary there from time to time and meeting up with Father Boyer ever six months. I never thought it would feel that good, and I'm embarrassed to admit it because it is so incredibly sappy, but it really did feel good to be up there!

***MOVING ON***

So, most of you guys know that my relationship with my older sister has been....well, let's just say it hasn't been easy. 

Yesterday, when I was visiting with my sister before Sunday family dinner, she shared with me that she feels that God is challenging her right now, and that at the age of 31 she feels that a husband and a family are not in the cards for her. 

The irony was not lost on me. 

Six months ago, when I was saying that I was never getting married, I see now that thoughts like that really were coming from a place of fear and not that I actually believed that was God's intention for me. And now, half way through this journey, I know more then ever that I do want to get married and that God will provide  it for me. And it really floored me that Stephanie felt the way she did. 

Then I came home and did my Novena and it just so happened that Sunday's reflection was all about forgiveness.

And that message wasn't lost on me either.

I realized that I haven't really forgiven Stephanie for a lot of stuff that happened forever ago. Stuff I thought I had gotten over. Stuff that I thought I had completely forgotten about, but as it turns out it is stuff that still lives and is breeding anger inside me. I haven't been able to let go of it. 

And I need to. I need to let go of all of it. It's time. 

It finally became so clear to me yesterday. We, Stephanie and I, are women now. We are fully grown women who are living our lives and our futures. 

We aren't kids anymore. Childhood is over. And it is time to let go.

I can't spend the rest of my life blaming her for things I don't even remember. It's not fair to her and it isn't the woman that I want to be.

So, last night, after my Novena, instead of praying in my prayer journal for my future husband, I prayed for hers.

And to be honest, the only thing I felt was regret that I hadn't thought to do that sooner.