I started out this year with only one book that I was going to look to for guidance, but now I am surrounded with books that I can't read fast enough.
Along with, The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin, I am also reading Lady in Waiting by Debby Jones and Jackie Kendall, Praying For Your Future Husband by Robin Jones Gunn and Tricia Goyer, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray, and Calm My Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow.
Do you see the wealth of knowledge I have in front of me!
I'm currently reading Lady in Waiting, which is actually a devotional I did over ten years ago. I still had it in my apartment and I thought it would be perfect to go back and read through real quick. It is coming from a very religious and evangelical place, but I am going to try to keep my posts as neutral as I can.
It is sad that in this day and age I feel that I have to be neutral, because I am a Christian woman and I have my faith, but I fear that when you start making things too evangelical people just stop listening. For example if I say something like; "I have to learn to trust in Jesus." Some people would just hear that one part and ignore everything else that i'm talking about. But if I say; "I have to learn to trust in myself." at the end of an argument. Then those people would probably rally around and support my cause.
Anyway, that is a soapbox for a whole other time and place.
The first chapter of Lady in Waiting talks about being a "Lady of Reckless Abandonment".
In this chapter it talks about how young women in Jesus's time, used to have these alabaster boxes. In these boxes they would save oils and spices to one day be given to their husband. But there was one young women who came and broke her box at the feet of Jesus. She was so committed to following him, and so trusting of him, that she looked to him for her future happiness. Being a Lady of Reckless Abandonment means that we need to break our boxes at the feet of Jesus and look to him for completion.
Okay, I know that may sound a little too evangelical, but stay with me.
I truly believe that we, as human beings, were not made to complete each other.
William Butler Yeats said that "Happiness is neither virtue nor pleasure nor this thing nor that, but simply growth. We are happy when we are growing."
Human beings are always growing and always changing. That is what makes these lifelong relationships so hard. People are not always growing at the same rate or changing at the same time. That would be impossible. And in that sense, we are never truly complete. All we can hope for is to be the best versions of ourselves with who we are right now.
That is why I think saying things like "You complete me." or "I can't live without you." are a lie, and I'm sorry, but they are a little unhealthy.
I want to marry a man who is strong. Who can carry me when I'm falling and pick up the slack when I'm weak. But most of the time, I am going to want to stand on my own two feet. And I want that man that is going to stand beside me. At the same time, I know that I want to carry him when he falls but I want to stand beside him. I'm going to need to know that if something ever happens to me, that he will find the strength to move on with his life and be happy. And I would like to think that I would be able to find the strength to do the same if it should ever come to that.
And if I only look to my future husband to complete me and be my strength, how much would that be draining him? As a mere human, he is not built to be my strength all of the time. And I'm not being much of a team player if I'm always looking for him to carry the heavy burdens. That is why it is so important to be able to stand on my own and find my completion and strength in my faith [or just in myself] before I even get into a serious relationship.
Because can you imagine what would happen if I went into a serious relationship as an incomplete person? God, I would become one of those girls who loses their entire personality and becomes what they think that man wants just to keep him around. Um, no thank you!
And on another note, if you believe in the theory that when two people are in love they complete each other, what does that say for all us single ladies? If I were to continue on in my life being single, never getting married and never finding love, does that mean that I have to wander the world with some big gap inside me that will never be filled? I will always be incomplete because I never found that love that would make me a whole person! HELL NO!!!
My faith completes me. My faith is my strength. Maybe other people find their completion somewhere else, and that is fine for them, I'm not here to judge. Unless they are saying they found it in another person and them, well, yes I am judging you. (just being honest) But I found mine in my faith and I will continue to find it there, no matter if a man does or does not come into my life.
Okay, now that I am actually sitting here, writing all of this, I fear that it is too disjointed. Like my thoughts aren't really making sense or tying together. So let me end with this...
Even though Jerry Maguire may have lied to us by saying "You complete me." And Jennifer Cavalleri may have lied to us by saying "Love means never having to say you're sorry" movies are not all bad...
Melvin Udall did not lie to us when he said; "You make me want to be a better man."
I think, at the end of the day, that is all we can ask for. That our love for the people in our lives inspires them to be kinder, to be stronger, to be braver. We can't make them that way, nor should we. But to inspire them, well that is all we can ask for.
So, really, how did I do? Was that all sketchy? That felt very sketchy to me, like I was all over the place. Did it make sense? Did you agree? Or am I crazy? Please let me know in the comments!!!
Things like "You Complete Me" are kind of stupid. It's sounds perfect, but you're right. You should be complete in yourself without the help of someone else. And as much as I love Love Story, love does not mean never having to say you're sorry. You should say you sorry when you've done something to hurt someone, love isn't something you take for granted, be it romantic love or friendship or family love.
ReplyDeleteI feel you on the religious aspect. I am careful not to post too much about God because I don't want to offend my friends who don't believe, yet how many of them think of me before they post something anti-religious? Believing in God means declaring it, and that's something I need to work on owning. If I lose a friend due to my belief in God, then they aren't someone I need in my life. It doesn't mean I need to change someone's mind or argue with my atheist, agnostic or pagan friends. I respect their beliefs, and I guess I need to trust them to respect mine too, otherwise I'm being phony. I guess I'm so afraid of giving Christianity a bad name, since there are plenty of people who claim to love God and yet are super judgmental towards others. There's a quote from Ghandi that I like, he said something about liking our Christ, but not his followers.
I guess part of me is tired of worrying all the time that I'm going to offend someone, but I also think that as a people pleaser, it's hard for me not to worry about that. Ugh, I have a headache now! lol
I think you've got a very strong sense of who you are, and who you want to be when you're in a relationship, and it's a very healthy way of thinking!
ReplyDeleteI feel like my husband completes me, but not in a way that I couldn't live without him, or that I would forever be incomplete if I hadn't found him. I feel like he completes me in a way that he's right for me, and that we are so lucky to have found each other, and that I couldn't see myself with anyone else.
But yes, I agree with you, saying "You complete me" often has different connotations than the way I see it, and it's not healthy. And "I'd die without you" is not healthy either, but it is often a side effect of young, puppy love. Your emotions are so strong and confused and often you don't know how to express yourself, and that comes out. Of course you probably wouldn't die without that person. You'd be upset, and you'd grieve (especially if it is your partner of a significant amount of time), but your life would go on.
And although I don't really like it when people say that they'd die without someone, it is their actions that are really unhealthy. Like you said about girls who change their entire lives to revolve around their boyfriends, ignore their friends, and change themselves into who they think their boyfriend wants them to be. THAT is horribly unhealthy. That's why books like Twilight are not good for young girls to take too seriously.
But I don't think your post was too disjointed, and I think you've got a smart, mature way of thinking about things. You'll be a wonderful wife someday - the kind where your husband's friends are jealous of how cool, understanding, and giving you are. ;)
Romance movies (and books) are not always the greatest examples of what love really is. Lines like "You complete me" sound great but you're right, in reality it's a like saying "I would be nothing without you" which isn't true.
ReplyDeleteSlightly unrelated side note: I know a couple that does EVERYTHING together. They have all the same hobbies, do all the same things, they even work together. My mom had a Candlelight party and invited her, and she brought her husband. Neither me, nor my mom, has ever seen them apart. In the movies this would be cute and funny, but in real life it's weird and creepy.
I go to church (mostly) even though I struggle to believe (conversation for another time) so I have mixed feelings on the christian issue. I think everyone should be themselves and if you want to say that you need to trust in Jesus, than you should say it. Everyone has their own beliefs.