So the truth is...I'm not doing so good.
The truth is I haven't been doing good for about the last 48 hours.
One of my coping mechanisms, when I find myself outside my comfort zone is to completely shut down. When I reach my limit, or find myself pushed up against one of my walls, it is as if a switch gets flipped and I am just not there anymore.
But what is making it really hard this time, is that I was just starting to break these walls down.
I have this image of how I think other people see me. I like to think that all of my friends see me as this really energetic, funny, strong person. And I want so desperately to be that person and I was coming so close to actually seeing that person in me.
And now I am feeling it breaking. I'm breaking.
And the last thing I want to do is talk about it.
The last thing I want to do is call a friend and actually have this conversation. Because then I would have to acknowledge the truth behind it.
I want to be that strong person, I don't want to be the one that is breaking all the time. I don't want to be the one that everyone has to worry about. I don't want to be the one who is always crying and falling apart at the drop of a hat.
I don't want to be this way.
And I do not want my friends to see me this way. And I'm just so sick of all of it.
I'm sick of crying. I'm sick of feeling overwhelmed. I'm sick of feeling like nothing ever changes.
I'm seriously at the point now where I just can't wait for this whole project to be over. I can't wait to turn 30 so I can put this whole accountability blog to rest. The only thing that is sustaining me is the fact that I lost almost all my followers a couple of months ago, so really only three people read this now.
Silver lining. There has to be a silver lining, right? Okay, so what is it...
The first step is to accept where you are. So, I am willing to admit that I did not have to post these thoughts. I had the option to roll over and just go to bed. Over the years I have become an expert at putting on a brave face and fooling everyone into thinking that I really am fine. I could have done that this time, but instead I put those thoughts here. Sure, only three people will ever read them, but whatever, I still chose this.
Of course I'm here if you need to talk. And FYI, if anyone in our group is the one that's always crying and breaking down, it's me...
ReplyDeleteI cry all the time, but most people think i'm the happiest person they know. It's a problem. Call me if you need to talk!!! I'll be praying for you!
ReplyDeleteCourtney, you are that strong, happy, energetic person, but that's not all of you. You're also stubborn, you're also the person who loves the color red so much that I can't see anything red without thinking of you, you're the girl who watches the special features BEFORE you watch a movie, the one person the movie commentary was meant for, the friend that I can call at any time, with any issue no matter if it's good news or bad, you're the first person (but I've come to realize not the only one) that I've ever known to use french fries as a spoon for Wendy's Frosties. You are the person that I can call up and say, "hey, I'm making you a book blog cause I thought of a good name", you're the girl who makes sure her dog is taken care of BEFORE going out to party all night, you're the one who's brave enough to stand in front of a bar full of people and sing karaoke even though you're shaken so bad you could stir a martini. So yes, I think you're funny and energetic, and I'm grateful that you made sure our friendship survived my move to the East Coast, but I love ALL the sides to you, even the ones that drive me crazy, because I couldn't imagine my life without you. I know you broke up with Grey's Anatomy, but like Cristina and Meredith- you're my person. I don't have to put on act around you, and I certainly hope you know that you never have to pretend around me. So no walls, Bittner, but you can make a moat. Because I can swim. ;)
ReplyDeleteNo on expects the happy, fun, energetic Courtney 100% of the time. It's ok to have bad moments and to share those bad moments with your friends. And you should share them because that's what friends are for. :)
ReplyDeleteYou are not the only one that breaks down. I can't even tell you how often I cry (a lot) and it's awful but I am super emotional and I can't help it. I've cried at work several times, which is super embarrassing because I am a manager and I need to have control, but sometimes I just can't help it.
I'm so glad you didn't let this stop you from writing in your blog.