Teen Me

My friend Steph recently wrote a review about a book called My Teen Self (find it HERE), where a bunch of authors wrote letters to their teen selves, and that has inspired the following...

Dear Teen Courtney 12.11.1997 ~

How exactly is one supposed to begin a letter like this? Simply saying "Hello" sounds way to formal but it is not like we ever made up a secret language or anything that I can reference at this point. Plus it seems awkward to begin with lines like "How are you?" "What are you up to?" "How's the weather?" I may not remember what the weather was like in 1997, but I remember how you were and what you were up to. 

Right now you are feeling like the black sheep. There may be large chunks of that day that I have forgotten, but that feeling, the black sheep feeling, I remember clear as crystal. I remember you felt like both your sisters were so perfect. You thought it was because they both got better grades then you or were never in as much trouble as you. But what you didn't realize is that the real problem was that you felt lost and scared and you didn't see that in them. They both seemed so happy and since you were consumed by fear, you blamed them.

I wish I could tell you that the black sheep feeling will pass. But I can't. That is probably the reason why I can remember that feeling so clearly, because in a lot of ways you still feel like the black sheep. But there is a difference. Right now you are allowing your fear alienate you from your family and to harbor such resentment towards them that you can't even be happy for them and their accomplishments. That will stop.

There will come a day when you will finally open your eyes are realize that your family loves you. And you may think they don't see the pain you are in, but they see it. 

I wish I could tell you that the pain stops, but it doesn't. And there have been so many times that I have hated you for that pain. But here is something that I know you need to hear and that I need to say...

It's not your fault. It is not your fault. You are a child, you are! And you are scared and you feel alone and you are utterly and completely lost and you are grabbing onto anything that you think will keep your head above water. And I know at times that pain can do that. In its own sick and twisted way, pain can feel like a life jacket. And as much as I wish I could say something to you now to make you not depend on it, I know that you are going to. But it is not your fault. 

I have spent so much of my life blaming you for grabbing onto that pain. You were a child and you were trying to survive. I am sorry that I hated you for so long. And I wish there was a more solid word then "sorry" that I could use instead, but I can't think of one. I am sorry I hated you and I am sorry for blaming you. 

I know you feel like you need that pain right now, but you don't. You really really don't! And there will come a day when you will finally tap into the strength you have inside you and you will be amazed by what you find there. Because you are strong, you are brave and compassionate and smart and loyal, and okay right now you really aren't as funny as you think you are, but you will grow into your own brand of sarcasm and wit that makes me laugh on a daily basis.

Sometimes I look back on the crazy things you did and I am overwhelmingly embarrassed by you. But there is a part of me that wishes I had some of the courage you showed back then. There are moments when you don't let the risk of possibly making a fool of yourself stop you from doing whatever it is you want to do exactly when you want to do it. These days I let those risks stop me in my tracks so often I feel like I'm never going to get anywhere.

Right now you are also feeling that the friendships you have are shallow ones. Well...they are. You are in highschool, friendships are supposed to be shallow right now. But I can tell you that I have met the women you will befriend as you get older and they are some of the most incredible people you will ever meet. But I can also tell you that one of the friends you have right now will be with you forever. 

All in all, your life wont turn out to be what you thought it was going to be. I can't tell you that all your dreams come true and you live happily ever after. Not because that doesn't happen, but because I'm still working on it. What I can tell you is that it does get better. The difference is so small and subtle that you wont recognize when it happens, but eventually there is enough of a shift that you are able to start breathing, and everything gets just a little bit easier. 

If there was anything that I could ask you to do for me, it would be to call your grandfather and ask him to take you to church. Sounds random, I know. And it may seem impossible to believe, but there will come a day when the Catholic faith will play a huge role in your life. And one thing you will regret is never getting the chance to share that with your grandfather. That is why I am asking you to go with him now. Not because I expect you to be converted now, you may go and the spirit may not move you at all, In fact I highly doubt that it would, but just to have that memory of being in a church with him...that would be something you would treasure.

As awkward as I thought it was to begin this letter, I am finding it even harder to think of something to say to end it. Just remember, it gets better. You are better. You will find your way. 

~Courtney 10.25.2012

The Power of Friendship

A few weeks ago I actually checked my mailbox (this happens only rarely, and hasn't happened since) and I had a very special postcard inside. A friend sent it to me just to say hi and to say that she couldn't wait to see what else I would right about on my 29th year blog. This was very sweet of her but of course it made me feel slightly guilty for not keeping up with this blog to the degree to which I had planned. 

I wanted to mention that because I did want to say Thank You to that friend for the very kind postcard (Thank You), but it also happens to tie in very nicely with what finally got me motivated to write today.

Sooooooo, I have this friend.

I have known this friend for exactly half my life. I wouldn't go as far as to say that we met in high school and have been inseparable best friends ever since, but I would say that we have been in each others lives since then as friends, enemies, roommates, adversaries, confidants, as supporters.

Right now I am feeling like our friendship is in the "adversaries" category because I know that she is lying to me. 

I know that she is struggling. I know that she is hurting. I know that life isn't working out for her the way she thought it should. But instead of being honest about it and taking responsibility of it, she just goes around with this smile on saying, "Oh yeah everything's fine." "I'm fine! I'm great! Life couldn't be better! Job is great! Home is great! I'm starting a new life for myself and everything is going to be great great great!" 

Okay, so, why am I calling her an adversary if she so obviously needs a friend right now? 

Because she wont let me be a friend to her right now and it is DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!

There is some other stuff that is going on between us too, but that's not what I want the point of this post to be about. 

Here is my point:

Friendships are...Friendships are everything. 

I really and truly, whole heartily, believe that it is the friendship you have with people that is the most important thing! The dynamic of the friendships you have with your family members, with your partners, with your peers may all be different but it is that dynamic that is most important. 

It is the friendships that I have with my sisters that I know I need to work on. When I get married, I want to know that I am married to my best friend. 

Anyway, my friendships mean absolutely everything! And when I look around and see that I have some of the most beautiful, talented, strong, brave, courageous, amazing women as my friends it leaves me feeling honored and humbled.

And when I have to sit back and watch someone treat their friends like trash that can be tossed aside or burn bridges with that level of ease and carelessness, it makes me absolutely insane! 

It offends me. It infuriates me. It makes me write really long blog posts all about how you shouldn't treat your friends like crap!

And here is my other point:

We're not in high school anymore folks! 

And this point is a threefold point!

1) We're not in high school anymore so grow up! (this point isn't about friendship, but I'm including it because it is what I want to scream at the top of my lungs right now)

2) Making friends when we are kids is easy. When you are a kid and you go to a play ground all you have to do is start running and inevitably some other kid will start running with you trying to play tag. I have gone and sat with my friends Andrea and Christi at the play area in the mall and I have witnessed this with their kids on numerous occasions. 

Then you get into school age and you are all riding the same bus and sitting at the same lunch table and in the same classes. You see each other 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. You really don't have to put that much effort into maintaining friendships.

So when you find those amazing friendships as an adult, treasure them. Take care of them. It may not always be easy but it is a two way street and you have to work at it. 

And 3)...the best point of all...the friendships we have today are going to, by far, be deeper and more intimate then they could have ever been when we were kids. 

When you are a kid you usually see the world as what is outside your backyard or as your home town. It is hard to realize just how big the world is and how small you are in it. You are immature and therefore, to a certain level, your friendships are immature.

But now we are adults and we get to have these amazingly mature and deep friendships. 

My friend Christi and I were best friends through high school. Sure we were close then and we spent more time together, but now I get to see her as a wife and a mother. I've seen her grow into this whole person and I know our friendship has grown so far beyond how great I thought it was back then.

When I look at this other friend of mine, the one who is lying to everyone and not opening up about what she is going through and instead just telling everyone that every thing is a-okay...

As angry as she can make me, I'm really feeling sorry for her more then anything else. I see the women that are around her. These women that I feel so blessed to have in my life, and I see her being so careless with them. It angers me because I know that if she would just quit lying to them they would all turn right around and support her. 

Whenever we are going through something that is hard and difficult, our friends can't be there for us if we lie to them. No one can help you if you wont let them. And with all the weight of the world that we have to carry on us everyday...the weight of our mistakes and wrong turns...why would anyone want to add on the extra weight of having to lie to your friends about it?

I apologize if a lot of this sounded like ranting and therefore didn't make much sense. 

Overall message: Don't treat friends like crap!

The funny thing is of course, that I honestly don't think any of the people who will ultimately read this actually do treat their friends like crap, but hey I needed to get it off my chest.

And to those friends I want to say, that I hope you know I was including you in the part where I said I am honored and humbled to have you in my life. 

Let the countdown begin...

I had dinner the other night with my two friends Shavonne and Courtney F. And it wasn't too long into that dinner before they both started pressuring me to join Match.com. They made a ton of good and valid points, but, of course, because I can be incredibly stubborn when I want to be, I kept insisting that I would "think" about joining and not commit to actually signing up. 

I do have some reservations and nerves going into the whole thing but I have decided that I am going to do it. 

Oh, God, just typing that makes me nervous. Palms are sweating, heart beat is picking up just a little bit...

While we were at dinner the girls kept asking me what my reservations were and at the time the only things I could think to mention was the surface stuff. Being nervous about what to wear, where to go, getting a profile picture, those kind of things. But since that night I have had two revelations that will better explain why I am hesitant to actually join a dating site like match.com.

1. Over the years my idea of what a first date should be have only continued to grow. I mean people talk about how virgins like to put the penis or the vagina on a pedestal, but when you are a virgin in every aspect of the dating world it is virtually impossible for every simple thing from the first date, the first kiss, the first time you hear someone say "I love you" they are all on pedestals! Basically I don't have anything in my life but pedestals!

And I think that one of the things I may have thought was that if I start compromising the way I see relationships from the very beginning then that will equate to me compromising further down the line. 

When it comes to my future husband and the relationship I think we will have, I do like to think that I am open and willing to go with the flow for most of the issues. I have never really committed to a check list of qualities because I am willing to be flexible. But there are certain aspects of the relationship that I am not willing to compromise on.

But just because I compromise on my idea of a "first date" does not mean that I will end up with some neanderthal who treats me bad but is at least a warm body. 

2. Even though people have always told me not to marry my first boyfriend and to try to play the field and have a few different experiences before settling down, I think I always did feel like part of the fantasy was that the first guy would be the guy! And I only just now realized that the place that all of that stems from, is the place inside me that only ever wanted to have to put myself out there once. 

If I married the first guy I dated, then I would only have to deal with factoring a guy into my life once. I would only have to deal with letting down my guard once. I would only have to let someone in once. And I would never ever have to live through a rejection.

But what I have to realize is that all of those experiences are a part of life. And even though they may hurt, they are still good and exciting and desirable. 


So, why did I title this post "Let the countdown begin..." ?

Well, because I just need everyone to be aware of how important this step is for me. Because let's say I join Match.com on August 1st. As long as everything goes according to plan, I could have my first date and my first kiss, before I'm 30! Which is coming up soooooo fast! 

Seriously, think about that. My first kiss...


MY FIRST KISS... is just around the corner...

This is NOT a pity party

I've been doing a lot of looking back lately.

Not in a bad way, but in a "look how far I've come" way. 

This Tuesday will be the half way point in my journey for this year, so it is natural to take some time evaluating where you are. A lot of my friends have been mentioning how impressed they are with how much progress I have already, and I'll give myself a pat on the back and say that I'm pretty impressed myself! 

But I do still have little moments where I am reminded that I do have some more work to do. 

Like this, for example...

I like a boy. 

I haven't had a full on hard core crush in a really long time and so my hormones are going crazy now that they have been released.

I used to be very passive when it came to talking to boys. Relationships have always scared me and therefore even when I really liked a guy and thought that he just might like me back, I never did anything about it. 


I was one of those girls who would avoid the guy as much as possible and never try to get noticed because God forbid he just might realize I liked him! And the few times that, that actually did happen, well, I ran. Never to speak to the guy again. 

Then today I was driving in my car, thinking about my crush and how I couldn't wait to see him because I couldn't wait to talk to him. I was doing the totally sappy thing that girls do where I was trying to think of all the questions I could ask him and all the different ways I could try to start a conversation. 

Then, out of nowhere, this little voice started whispering in my ear; "Hold on there Courtney. Don't get too excited, remember your place. Let us remember who you are. You are over weight and not that pretty so don't start getting all cocky." 


Now, don't freak out! I know a lot of my readers are probably ready to start trying to contradict that statement, but as the title of this post has already declared:This is NOT a pity party!

It may have taken me a couple of hours to silence that voice, but eventually I was able to get to a place where I could say; "Wait a second! Remember my place! Okay, yeah, let's do that! Let's remember who I really am! I may be an over weight girl but I'm also an over weight girl who just completed a half marathon! A girl who is loyal and dedicated to my friends, has a good heart and a great personality and who has a hell of a lot to offer! And have you heard my laugh? Because, I'm sorry, but my laugh is freaking contagious! So, F#%^ you stupid voice whispering in my ear!" 

Yes, it is a testament to how far I have come that I am able to turn my thoughts like that and recognize on my own when I'm being crazy.

But at the same time...I hate that voice! It's such a stupid voice. Why do I have it? Why wont it just die?


I'm not writing this post as a "woe is me" post. I'm writing it more out of curiosity. 

I know I'm not the only one who has this voice, but I'm just curious how many of us still hear it so clearly. And how long does it take to kill it? 

Honestly, I'm feeling pretty damn good about myself right now. I've been eating better and exercising, and I'm being more active and putting myself out there. I really do feel so much more positive and...just...lighter. I'm in the best place that, personally, I have ever been in. So, why can't that voice just be dead and buried?

I actually just presented this question to Shavonne since we are working together today, and we were discussing how it goes back centuries. Way back when it was always society trying to "keep the woman in her place". That mentality may still be out there it is not as dominant as it had been and so now women just do it to themselves. We do whatever we can to allow our negative thoughts to keep us in our place. And apparently that isn't going to go away any time soon.


Well, as far as I am concerned, the next time that voice comes back I'm going to karate chop it back in the dirt.

The "F" word...

Well, today is the last day of my Novena! YAY!!! I'm so excited! I thought it was going to be so hard, because I haven't been praying consistently and I've been struggling but I've really been able to just slide right into it and it has been incredibly rewarding!

So far, the hardest time was Friday night and Saturday. On Friday I came home from work and passed out! I didn't wake up until after 11:00pm and wasn't able to start my Novena until 11:45pm! But I figure since Rita is partying it up all the way up in Heaven, she probably isn't much of a stickler for time zones. And then on Saturday I had to work all day and then I had to go straight to book club after, so I had to wake up at 6:30am in order to make sure I had my prayer time before the day started. But in the end, I did it! I totally pulled it off!

I haven't done my prayers for today yet, but I will after I write this post and after tonight's episode of Bethany Ever After. 

Oh, and by the way! Choir? AWESOME! I LOVE IT!

I'm not going to lie, my first practice last Wednesday left me pretty rattled. I thought that all my choir skills from high school would come floating right back to me, and when they didn't and I was pretty rusty, it left me feeling overwhelmed. I made Andrea go to karaoke with the following night because I needed the reinforcement that I actually can sing!

***GET READY FOR SOME SAPPY SENTIMENTS***

But then, after Wednesday night practice I joined the choir to sing that Sunday and I loved it! I was still pretty rusty but I survived it. And it felt really good to know that I was serving my church. That I was participating in mass instead of just showing up. I making more of a home for myself in my church outside of seeing Mary there from time to time and meeting up with Father Boyer ever six months. I never thought it would feel that good, and I'm embarrassed to admit it because it is so incredibly sappy, but it really did feel good to be up there!

***MOVING ON***

So, most of you guys know that my relationship with my older sister has been....well, let's just say it hasn't been easy. 

Yesterday, when I was visiting with my sister before Sunday family dinner, she shared with me that she feels that God is challenging her right now, and that at the age of 31 she feels that a husband and a family are not in the cards for her. 

The irony was not lost on me. 

Six months ago, when I was saying that I was never getting married, I see now that thoughts like that really were coming from a place of fear and not that I actually believed that was God's intention for me. And now, half way through this journey, I know more then ever that I do want to get married and that God will provide  it for me. And it really floored me that Stephanie felt the way she did. 

Then I came home and did my Novena and it just so happened that Sunday's reflection was all about forgiveness.

And that message wasn't lost on me either.

I realized that I haven't really forgiven Stephanie for a lot of stuff that happened forever ago. Stuff I thought I had gotten over. Stuff that I thought I had completely forgotten about, but as it turns out it is stuff that still lives and is breeding anger inside me. I haven't been able to let go of it. 

And I need to. I need to let go of all of it. It's time. 

It finally became so clear to me yesterday. We, Stephanie and I, are women now. We are fully grown women who are living our lives and our futures. 

We aren't kids anymore. Childhood is over. And it is time to let go.

I can't spend the rest of my life blaming her for things I don't even remember. It's not fair to her and it isn't the woman that I want to be.

So, last night, after my Novena, instead of praying in my prayer journal for my future husband, I prayed for hers.

And to be honest, the only thing I felt was regret that I hadn't thought to do that sooner. 

The "P" word...

I remember being told once that the one thing you should never ask God for is Patience! 

After saying a prayer asking God to help you to develop more patience, you can pretty much guarantee that will be the day that your car will die on you, the baby/dog/co-worker will get sick, traffic will be ridiculous and last minute urgent projects will spring up all over the place. 

Basically it is a theory that says that if you ask God for patience, the only way He can help you develop it is by putting you in situations that cause you to exercise it, so you are going to get screwed with for a while until you start acting out your patience. 

That is why, yesterday, when I sat down to go over my Novena for the day (which I haven't missed a day of yet, thank you very much) I got a little nervous when I saw the reflection for the day was on patience.

Yes, St. Rita had incredible patience. And yes, I do see where it would be beneficial for me to pray that God would help me to be patient while I wait for a husband. But every time I go to pray that prayer I still have this little voice in my head that says "Don't do it! Don't say that word! If you do you know you are never going to get married!" 

At the same time that seems so ridiculous. Do I really picture God to be this puppet master type being that is just waiting for people to pray for patience so that he can get his kicks in? Of course not!

So, in the end I do need patience. People who enter into relationships without patience are the ones that end up married to Mr. Right Now as opposed to Mr. Right. 


Do I believe in Mr. Right?

Yes. I have to. 

I've waited this long, I have to believe it was for a reason.


I have to believe that some where out there is a guy who is Catholic but is also for gay rights and a woman's right to choose, he makes good money and dreams of living on the east coast, he'll like all of my friends and want to stay home every now and then to re-watch Miracle.

Yep, he's out there some where. And until he finds me (or I find him, whatever) I guess I'll just have to be...patient.

Who is St. Rita?

I ran out of time and wasn't able to write yesterday, but I promise that I have, so far, been keeping up with my Novena. It feels pretty good, but then again we are only on Day 3. 

Today I wanted to share a bit about St. Rita of Cascia, since she is who this Novena is for. 

I'm saying this Novena for her because she was the saint I chose to be confirmed under when I joined the church. When you are picking a saint to be confirmed under, you really can't make a "bad" choice. Every saint is as good as the next one, that is kind of why they are saints, but you are supposed to try to pick one that you relate to and want to try to emulate. Well, when it came time to make that decision I was really at a loss. I just could not pick one for the life of me. 

Then I found out that my great-aunt Rita was going to be coming down just to see me get confirmed. The church has the confirmation mass on the Eve of Easter and it lasts well over an hour and doesn't even start until after sunset. I felt bad that my great-aunt was coming all the way down from the city just for me and so I thought "Hey, I wonder if there is a St. Rita?" turned out there was, so I picked her. 

Here is her story:

She was born in Italy and at the age of 12 she entered into a marriage that her parents arranged. She knew then that she wanted to be a nun and enter a convent but she was obedient to her parents and did as they asked. Her husband turned out to be an awful and abusive person who had a lot of enemies. It is said that through her patience and faithfulness she was eventually able to convert her husband into being a God-fearing man and they had two sons together. Unfortunately, he did still have enemies and one day he was found violently stabbed to death.

Now, here comes a bit of controversy, it is said that as her sons came closer to the age of 16 they wished to seek out revenge on then men they saw as responsible for their father's death. Rita tried to calm her sons, but when that didn't work she prayed that God would stop them. And shortly after that both of her sons died of natural causes. A lot of people like to say that Rita prayed for God to take her sons because she thought that was better for them then actually sinning, but I don't believe that. I think she knew that she didn't want that kind of hatred to consume her children and so she did pray that God would help them, little did she know that the only way God could do that was by killing them off. 

Anyway, after the death of her children and her husband, Rita set out to join the monastery of Saint Mary Magdalene at Casia, however they wouldn't take her due to the scandalous reputation of her family. They finally said that they would allow her to join them if she reconciled with the family of the men that took her husband, so she did. She met with the family and showed them peace and forgiveness and was then welcomed into the monastery. 

Fun Fact: She is often depicted as having a wound on her forehead because it is said that she once prayed to know the suffering that Christ went through before he was nailed to the cross, and after she prayed it a wound appeared on her head and it never healed. It has also been said that towards the end of her life the wound started to have a foul stench that seeped out of it and forced her to be alienated from others. However, when she did die the smell changed and began to send out the sent of fresh roses. Cool, huh?

I may not have picked Rita for the exact reasons that you are supposed to, but in the end I am really glad I did. For me she represents faithfulness, discipline, patience, perseverance, obedience, peace, and forgiveness. She was a good wife, a good mother, a good friend, and a really good nun. And she is recognized as the patron saint of the impossible, of hopeless causes, for abused women, and for mothers.