Let me explain...

About a little over a week ago I had a 20 minute break between my two morning classes. I decided to entertain myself by typing up a draft for my next post on this blog from my cell phone!

The problem with typing up a blog post on your phone is that the buttons are small so it is easy to accidentally press the wrong one, also the screen doesn't always show you what you are typing so it is easy to get lost in a sentence.

However I thought this was all really funny so before my class started I decided to go ahead and post it so that my loyal followers could have a good laugh at my expense.

My intention was to also go back and retype the post that night...

Well, obviously that didn't happen!

So this is attempt number two:

All I really wanted to say in that last post was that things in my life are going really good right now. I have been 30 for 6 months now and I could not be happier. My life has never felt so positive and full of direction before. And my self confidence is through the roof!!!

Now see that is something that I spend a lot of time talking about on this blog, my lack of self confidence. 

So here is the epiphany on how I finally started loving myself...

In Weight Watchers we have a tool we refer to as an "anchor". 

Basically it works like this:

1. Think of an emotion that you are somewhat lacking in but want to tap into. 
2. Think of a moment or an instant when you were overflowing with that emotion. 
3. Think about the physical things that were surrounding you in that moment.
4. Find one of those objects, or an object that will represent and symbolize that time, and when you hold it in your hands focus on your energy and spirit into recreating the emotion that you had felt before. 
5. Now, anytime you need a hit of that power and strength grab that object (your new anchor) and allow that emotion to wash over you.

Well, it took me a long time to decide on something. I spent an entire morning at work going over everything I could think of but nothing fit. When out of nowhere I realized that the last time that I felt truly and entirely happy, beautiful, confident, strong, and positive was at my friend Mary's wedding...three summers ago.

Weddings are a big deal and I take them very seriously. In spite of the fact that this was also the summer that I was at my lowest with my depression and didn't think I would still be alive come the 4th of July, on the night of Mary's wedding I told my inner demons to shut up and take the night off. 

I didn't want for Mary to be worried or concerned about me for one second that night because it was her wedding and her big day. I was not about to steal one moment of that day from her by being insecure about how I looked in my dress or by becoming shy and introverted around all the new people. I was going to be happy for her that night if it was literally the last thing I did. 

And it worked. 

That night I felt so beautiful and happy and even though I can't dance myself out of a paper bag, that night, they could not keep me off that dance floor. If I remember correctly I even danced with three different guys that night and didn't spend a single second of it wondering if they could feel my back fat or if my makeup was running because I was sweating so much. 

I just danced. And I had the best night of my entire life! Even now, it is still going down in my record books. It was amazing. 

Now the important thing to remember is that this was all happening at a time in my life when I was still depressed and still overweight. But by telling my inner demons to shut up I was able to be happy in spite of those obstacles. 

So...here is my anchor...

I now have copies of this picture all over my house and in my car and at my office. And every time I look at it, it reminds me that my inner demons are totally fired.

The crazy thing is though, it is actually working.

I feel amazing!

I'm starting a zumba class with my older sister next week and I'm harassing my cousin into setting me up with this guy she works with. I'm taking charge of things that I normally would have continued to be so very passive over.

To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure if this new found positivity has been fully cemented into my brain yet. And it may never be. There may always come moments in my future when my demons will try to sneak back in and I will have to fire them again. But I'm not going to live my life tied to gloom and despair only because there is a chance that my insecurities may come back someday.

Because seriously...who gives a shit anymore???

If they come back, they come back, and I'll deal with it then, but that is no excuse to not live your life!