And So It Begins…

So today is the big day. The challenge has officially started!

Today is my 29^th birthday. I went to my favorite French bakery for some birthday quiche this morning, it was delicious! And tonight I will be celebrating with some of my best girl friends with dinner and karaoke!

While I was enjoying my birthday quiche this morning I did begin praying in my new journal. So, so far we are off to a good start.

This weekend I went to mass at my church, St. Marks, and the priest delivered this homily about the season of advent. For those who may not know, the season of advent occurs during four weeks prior to Christmas, and it is looked at as a time for the church to make itself ready for the coming of Christ. So the homily that my priest was giving was all about how advent was a season of waiting, but advent is also a time to be proactive, to be prepared. And he said that time is precious and it shouldn't be wasted.

I couldn’t help but be struck at how fitting it was to hear this homily the Sunday prior to starting my own journey of preparation.

Unfortunately, unlike Advent, I don’t have a declared date of change. When the church enters into the state of advent, they know that it ends on December 25^th, Christmas Day. Christ comes and the church is changed 

forever.

My challenge may end on my 30^th birthday, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that the journey will end.

And it’s not like God can just whisper in my ear…

“Hey, Courtney, I am so excited for you to start this journey of getting ready for the change that is about to come your way! In fact I’m so excited that I can’t hold the surprise in any longer!!! You are going to meet your future husband on April 1^st 2012, and be married two years later! Shhh, don’t tell anyone! It’s a secret!”

Of course, God, if you happen to read this, that would be totally awesome!!!

Anyway, back to what I was saying about the homily. I’m choosing to look at it as a sign. A sign that God supports my efforts to change and make myself ready to love someone (and to accept love in return). A sign that I am on the right path and that God is beside me on it.

Today is only the beginning. 

Making A Fresh Start

Why, Hello there!

And welcome to my new blog!

My birthday is in six days, and if you haven't guessed by the title of my blog, I'll be turning 29. And this year, it is kind of a big deal because I'm issuing myself a challenge.

In a nutshell, here is my background. I have never had a boyfriend. 

Shocking, right?

No boyfriend, no first dates, no first kiss, and especially no...well, you know. 

And the thing is, for the most part, I've been pretty okay with all of this. I mean I'm a pretty independent person. I like to be by myself. I like living by myself. I like that I don't have to consult with anyone when I want to redecorate or hang something on the walls. I don't have to check with anyone about dinner plans, when I'm hungry I can just make what I want. I watch what I want, when I want. I can watch a show that makes me laugh so hard that I'm snorting and shaking with tears running down my cheeks and not have to worry that I'm keeping someone else from being able to hear the rest of the show.

It's exhausting having other people around all the time. Being at home, alone, is the only time I really feel like I can let down my guard. And I guess a part of me has always feared that I wont be able to find that in a relationship. And, if I'm being honest, there is an even bigger part of me that is convinced I don't want to find it in a relationship.

The truth is, in the end, if I die having never been married or never been in a relationship, that is fine. But, I don't want the reason to be because I was too scared. I don't want the reason to be that I was too busy maintaining the walls I've surrounded myself with to ever try anything new. And the truth is, if you spend your whole life putting walls up to protect yourself from "romantic" relationships, don't those walls start to creep into the other relationships in your life?

I said before that I only let my guard down when I'm alone, that I'm exhausted around other people, that would imply that I keep my guard up around my friends, around my family. I'm never fully myself, even around the people I love. 

That has to stop. It wont be easy, but I have to change. And the easiest and clearest way that I can see to do that is to break down those walls I have between myself...and boys. Ugh, God, my eyes rolled just typing that! So, I am issuing myself a challenge.

For one year I am going to pray for a husband, starting on my 29th birthday and going all the way through my 30th. I just recently bought a red leather journal and I am going to commit to journaling at least two prayers a week. I will more then likely pray more often than that, but I'm only going to commit to journaling twice a week. One prayer a week for my future husband, and one prayer a week for myself. That God will help me break down those walls and be the wife and the partner that I want to be. 

I will admit that there is a little voice in my head saying this project is lame and embarrassing. But Why? Why is it embarrassing for us to ask for what we really want? We are always taught to pursue the schools we want, the careers we want, the houses and the type of living we want. Why can't we pursue our future relationships with the same boldness? What is wrong with that?

Answer: NOTHING! Nothing at all! These relationships we get ourselves into are supposed to last us the rest of our lives! Why should we be embarrassed about taking time out to really figure out what we really want, and then making ourselves ready for it? We shouldn't, and I'm not going to be.

So for the next year of my life I will be praying in my journal, and blogging my experience on this site. And I'm inviting you along for the ride.

What will my life look like a year from now? I have no idea!

It is a fresh start...anything could happen!