Why, Hello there!
And welcome to my new blog!
My birthday is in six days, and if you haven't guessed by the title of my blog, I'll be turning 29. And this year, it is kind of a big deal because I'm issuing myself a challenge.
In a nutshell, here is my background. I have never had a boyfriend.
Shocking, right?
No boyfriend, no first dates, no first kiss, and especially no...well, you know.
And the thing is, for the most part, I've been pretty okay with all of this. I mean I'm a pretty independent person. I like to be by myself. I like living by myself. I like that I don't have to consult with anyone when I want to redecorate or hang something on the walls. I don't have to check with anyone about dinner plans, when I'm hungry I can just make what I want. I watch what I want, when I want. I can watch a show that makes me laugh so hard that I'm snorting and shaking with tears running down my cheeks and not have to worry that I'm keeping someone else from being able to hear the rest of the show.
It's exhausting having other people around all the time. Being at home, alone, is the only time I really feel like I can let down my guard. And I guess a part of me has always feared that I wont be able to find that in a relationship. And, if I'm being honest, there is an even bigger part of me that is convinced I don't want to find it in a relationship.
The truth is, in the end, if I die having never been married or never been in a relationship, that is fine. But, I don't want the reason to be because I was too scared. I don't want the reason to be that I was too busy maintaining the walls I've surrounded myself with to ever try anything new. And the truth is, if you spend your whole life putting walls up to protect yourself from "romantic" relationships, don't those walls start to creep into the other relationships in your life?
I said before that I only let my guard down when I'm alone, that I'm exhausted around other people, that would imply that I keep my guard up around my friends, around my family. I'm never fully myself, even around the people I love.
That has to stop. It wont be easy, but I have to change. And the easiest and clearest way that I can see to do that is to break down those walls I have between myself...and boys. Ugh, God, my eyes rolled just typing that! So, I am issuing myself a challenge.
For one year I am going to pray for a husband, starting on my 29th birthday and going all the way through my 30th. I just recently bought a red leather journal and I am going to commit to journaling at least two prayers a week. I will more then likely pray more often than that, but I'm only going to commit to journaling twice a week. One prayer a week for my future husband, and one prayer a week for myself. That God will help me break down those walls and be the wife and the partner that I want to be.
I will admit that there is a little voice in my head saying this project is lame and embarrassing. But Why? Why is it embarrassing for us to ask for what we really want? We are always taught to pursue the schools we want, the careers we want, the houses and the type of living we want. Why can't we pursue our future relationships with the same boldness? What is wrong with that?
Answer: NOTHING! Nothing at all! These relationships we get ourselves into are supposed to last us the rest of our lives! Why should we be embarrassed about taking time out to really figure out what we really want, and then making ourselves ready for it? We shouldn't, and I'm not going to be.
So for the next year of my life I will be praying in my journal, and blogging my experience on this site. And I'm inviting you along for the ride.
What will my life look like a year from now? I have no idea!
My mom has always told me since I was young that she was praying for my husband and my marriage. If you want the right type of marriage and you believe in praying to a higher being, I don't see how anyone can say that that does not make sense. I think it is the smartest thing to do. Society dictates that we should go to bars, sleep around, and date until we are sick of the opposite sex. When you are looking for a life partner then, you should be praying and molding yourself to be the person you want to be in a marriage so that perfect fit can find you.
ReplyDeleteI think this is a great idea and I cannot wait to continue to follow your journey and see what happens!
A good man, just like a good friend, should always add to your life, not take away from it. Although, I guess it's okay if your future husband hauls a few thousand bricks away from that wall you've built! I'm wishing you luck on your journey, and I think you're brave to face your fears. A lot of people, men and women, expect love without having to sacrifice or change, but even in friendships you have to give your time, your attention and your heart. I pray that you find a good Christian man that will hold you as dearly in his heart as Aaron and I do.
ReplyDeleteI can't wait to watch your journey! You are so very very brave. I will try to pray with you.
ReplyDeleteI think it's very brave and inspiring of you to put all this out there.
ReplyDeleteWe are a lot alike. I love living by myself and pretty much being independent in almost every way. It's nice because then you don't have to worry about other people disappointing you. But as my mother points out to me, there is such a thing as being too independent.
I know I'm a day late and a dollar short but good luck on your journey!