Quick back story:
I have suffered from depression pretty much my entire life. I come from a long line of family members that have struggled with it. It all comes down to a chemical imbalance in my brain that is from my genetics. Twice in my life I have come dangerously close to losing my life due to my depression.
Once when I was a freshman in high school and had just turned 15.
The second time was a year and a half ago.
I felt alone at the time and like I had to deal with my depression on my own because I felt that I would be "burdening" my friends if I turned to them. Finally, I went to confession, not because I wanted help, but because I knew that as a Catholic I had to go. But of course, Father Boyer responded by instantly taking me under his wing and helping me through that time.
And then, as soon as I wanted to believe that I was better, I quit meeting with Father Boyer.
When I went to see him yesterday, the first thing I did was apologize for running away like I did, but then I told him about my project for the year.
He thinks it is a great idea and was very supportive. But then, he offered me an insight that was...well...insightful.
He said that the reason why I run away, whenever a guy starts showing interest in me, is because I don't love myself. I don't love myself and therefore I can't understand how any guy would want to love me. In my mind, if a guy has feelings for or is interested in me, he must be crazy, so I run. And this is also why I ran from Father Boyer when he was trying to help me, and why I felt that I was a "burden" to my friends.
What does that...
I don't even...
I just wanted to...
I don't know how to process a statement like that.
Do I think he is wrong?
No, of course not. But what does it mean? What do I do now? How do I change it?
Does this mean that in the morning I'm going to have to look into a mirror reciting affirmations about the things I like about myself every day while Whitney Huston is playing in the back ground?
And why is something that seems to come so easily to others, so hard for me?
I know I'm not the only woman who struggles with self confidence. And I know that all my friends would want to turn to me and say that they struggle with it too, and that I have so many great qualities and blah blah blah...
I know I'm not alone. But the ability to love oneself seems like it should come so naturally. So why is it so hard?
And just to clarify, it's not like I hate myself.
Ugh, this whole post is starting to gross me out. I'm trying to be honest, but I just don't want to even think about this anymore.
I know exactly what you mean. I think a lot of people don't love themselves. It's really hard to love yourself if you are a real person in a world where advertising and entertainment is selling you perfection. Your priest sounds like exactly the sort of person you need on your team.
ReplyDelete(I agree with fakesteph.) It is very hard to love yourself in this society. I would look at myself in the mirror while I was brushing my teeth and/or washing my face and tell myself I am beautiful or say "I love myself" over and over until I started believing it. I still do it every now and again just out of old habit. It sounds corny but, no one ever knew about it (until now.)
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to hear that you and the Padre are back on speaking terms.
ReplyDeleteAnd affirmations aren't as hokey as they sound. I'm a serious believer in positive self-talk. Out loud. To onesself. Like a crazy person.
Which probably explains a lot.
P.S. You are never a burden to your friends.
Loving yourself is hard, I'd start with just getting to know you. Maybe start with the other "l" word, "like". Or a little "l" love. Just celebrate the things you like about yourself and make peace with your flaws- trust me your flaws are what makes you unique! Perfection is boring as hell, and you, my dear, are not boring!
ReplyDeleteAnd if you are having a hard time looking in the mirror and seeing something to love, call me up. I'll be your mirror and tell you all the wonderful qualities that make me love my Bittner. :)
And Holly's right, you are so not a burden!
Courtney, you are not a burden!! I can understand the feeling because everyone has problems and you don't want to add yours to them but a true friend would never feel that you are burdening them. I know that we haven't met in person (yet) but I'm here for you anytime!
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of affirmations. They do sound kind of silly, but if you say something often enough you're bound to believe it, right?