In the spirit of honesty...

So the truth is...I'm not doing so good.

The truth is I haven't been doing good for about the last 48 hours.

One of my coping mechanisms, when I find myself outside my comfort zone is to completely shut down. When I reach my limit, or find myself pushed up against one of my walls, it is as if a switch gets flipped and I am just not there anymore.

But what is making it really hard this time, is that I was just starting to break these walls down.

I have this image of how I think other people see me. I like to think that all of my friends see me as this really energetic, funny, strong person. And I want so desperately to be that person and I was coming so close to actually seeing that person in me.

And now I am feeling it breaking. I'm breaking.

And the last thing I want to do is talk about it.

The last thing I want to do is call a friend and actually have this conversation. Because then I would have to acknowledge the truth behind it.

I want to be that strong person, I don't want to be the one that is breaking all the time. I don't want to be the one that everyone has to worry about. I don't want to be the one who is always crying and falling apart at the drop of a hat.

I don't want to be this way.

And I do not want my friends to see me this way. And I'm just so sick of all of it.

I'm sick of crying. I'm sick of feeling overwhelmed. I'm sick of feeling like nothing ever changes.

I'm seriously at the point now where I just can't wait for this whole project to be over. I can't wait to turn 30 so I can put this whole accountability blog to rest. The only thing that is sustaining me is the fact that I lost almost all my followers a couple of months ago, so really only three people read this now.

Silver lining. There has to be a silver lining, right? Okay, so what is it...

The first step is to accept where you are. So, I am willing to admit that I did not have to post these thoughts. I had the option to roll over and just go to bed. Over the years I have become an expert at putting on a brave face and fooling everyone into thinking that I really am fine. I could have done that this time, but instead I put those thoughts here. Sure, only three people will ever read them, but whatever, I still chose this.

I am such a whiner!!!

In the book The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin, the chapter for February is all about marriage. The exercises for the month were to quit nagging, don't expect praise, learn to fight right, to not expect proofs of love, and to quit dumping.

You might be surprised to learn that that last exercise is incredibly hard for me.

A few months ago my friend (and co-worker), Shavonne, ran into my sister, Stephanie, at a festival and my sister asked Shavonne what it was like to have me as a boss. Apparently, Shavonne's response was: "She's a whiner." 

When I first heard about this afterwards I was so offended! I mean, out of all my wonderful, colorful, and delightful characteristics that she could have thought of, the very first thing that Shavonne associates with me is that I'm a whiner!

But in the process of taking a good hard look at myself these last few months, I have come to the realization that yes, I, Courtney Bittner, I am a whiner. 

Usually, there are two reasons that I am whining or complaining. Most of the time it is because I'm bored. For example, there will be a lull in the conversation so I'll say something like; "I'm huuuungry." I'm hoping that Shavonne's response will be something like; "That is quite an observation there, Courtney. Where do you think we should go for lunch? How about blah blah blah or blah blah?" And see, there you have it, a whole brand new conversation. 

What is the other reason I whine? Well, as Rubin writes in her book, we whine because we want the other person to "help [us] work through [our] feelings of anxiety and self-doubt." For example, I'll say "I'm such an awful boss, they should just fire me already!" For which I'm hoping Shavonne will respond with "Are kidding, Courtney, you are an awesome boss! Sure you spend more time at work reading and checking emails then you do actually working, but you work hard when it counts and that's all that matters!"   **She has never once responded to me that way...not once!

But here is what I have realized, I don't want to be a negative person! I mean look at this blog! Look at all the strides I've taken so far to get rid of my insecurities and self-doubt! Those are some of the major parts of my life where my negativity was getting the better of me. And sure, maybe I'd like to believe that my "whining" is not a major source of negativity for me, but it is still there. It is still present in my day to day life. And if it is such a small thing, then why not get better control on it?

So that's it, no more whining, no more complaining, no more negativity! I'm putting a stop to it right now! It wont be easy, half the time I'm whining I don't even realize I'm even doing it. 

Rubin writes that it is important for me to remember that when I am bored, I shouldn't "spoil a peaceful moment with my irritation". And when I am feeling insecure, it is not Shavonne's (or any of my other friends) responsibility to "spend hours pumping up my self-confidence."

I need to lean on the shoulders of my friends when I truly need their support, but I have to stop dumping my everyday minor troubles on other people.

Mommy Dearest

Today is Valentine's Day!

Even though I have never had a boyfriend, and therefore have never had one of those big glamorous romantic holidays. I actually LOVE Valentine's Day!!!

Mainly because my mom, Taska, has been my Valentine for the last three years!

The tradition started right before Valentine's Day 2010. I hate horror movies! I mean I really hate them! Horror movies tend to haunt me for weeks after I watch them! My imagination just runs wild! 

But that particular holiday, I was in the middle of mending a broken heart, and therefore I was thirsting for blood! I had never in my life wanted to see a horror movie so bad! I wanted blood and guts and gore and violence and carnage!

So, I called my mom. I said, "Hey mom, that new movie Wolfman with Anthony Hopkins just came out. Do you want to be my Valentine?" And being the awesome mother that she is, she jumped at the chance. We went to our local theater that has balcony seating where you can order your dinner and drinks while you are watching your movie. And the whole evening was perfect!

Wolfman turned out to be a great choice too. There was blood and violence, but it was also on the tamer side of horror films. So, I was still able to sleep at night.

Last year, I went to my parent's house to meet up with my mom after she got off work. While I was waiting for her I got caught up in watching the 1978 film Ice Castles. When my mom came home she sat down to watch the last twenty minutes with me. Then the 2010 Ice Castles came on and we both looked at each other, and then we ultimately decided to stay home and watch it. BUT, when that was over, we watched the first 5 minutes of a Criminal Minds episode with Tim Curry, and I had nightmares for a week!

This year, my mom and I are going to dinner and then going see the new Daniel Radcliffe movie The Woman In Black.

My mom is kind, generous, and caring. She goes out of her way to celebrate all holidays to the fullest and makes sure that everyone she loves has a special day. She is a constant source of love and encouragement for each of her three daughters. She was blessed to marry her best friend thirty-three years ago.

I love my mom dearly and can think of no one I would rather have as a Valentine.

A Happiness Project

I actually bought this book (The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin) back in May of 2011, but I didn't start reading it until recently. Mainly because the book is set up so that you will read a new chapter each month. And with each chapter you get a new set of goals to work on throughout that month. So, I was planning to start reading it in January so that I could follow it throughout the year. I got off to a slow start and didn't pick it up until the last few days of January, but as it turned out I was actually following the main goals without realizing it.

On page 3 Gretchen wrote; "All these thoughts flooded through my mind, and as I sat on that crowded bus, I grasped two things: I wasn't as happy as I could be, and my life wasn't going to change unless I made it change. In that single moment, with that realization, I decided to dedicate a year to trying to be happier."

Could there be a more perfect book for me to read right now??? 

Which is good because I'm running out of ideas for new blog posts (which is one of the reasons I haven't posted in so long...sorry. But no seriously if anyone out there has any good ideas for some blog topics please send them my way because I already feel like I am running on steam here).

In the Getting Started chapter she has a list commandments to follow through out the year.

Here are mine...

1. Be Courtney

2. Learn to let it go

3. Act the way I want to feel

4. Don't procrastinate

5. Show friendliness to everyone

6. Be present

7. Move outside the comfort zone

8. Embrace the pain

9. Be grateful

10. Outer order brings Inner order

That last one was actually my main focus this month. The goals for the month of January were to; 1. Go to sleep earlier, 2. Exercise better, 3. Toss, restore, organize, 4. Tackle a nagging task, and 5. Act more energetic.


Going to sleep earlier hasn't been working out for me much and don't even ask me about my exercise program...but by finally cleaning my entire apartment and redecorating my living room, I did manage to accomplish some of the goals. 


Philosopher Samuel Johnson said; "No money is better spent that what is laid out for domestic satisfaction." 


And I couldn't agree more.


Before...

After...

I know my camera on my cell phone sucks, but trust me it looks awesome!!!

I am a firm believer that your home is your sanctuary. For years I have been coming home to a place that made me feel guilty for not having done the dishes or for having not vacuumed in 
forever. Not to mention the fact that my decorating skills mostly consisted of just putting whatever I had laying around up on my walls and calling it decorated. But now, after over 3 and a half years, I finally feel like my apartment is my home rather than just some place I happen to be living. 


But that is also one of the reasons I haven't written in so long. In order to paint 2 and a third of the walls in my apartment I had to pack up everything and move it into my bedroom for over a week. Then I had to spend time moving it all back out. 


Now, in February the focus of the chapter will be marriage and relationships, so hopefully I'll get some good conversational topics out of that. Otherwise this blog might start to get really boring really quickly! 

A Dream is a wish your heart makes....

Most of my friends know that I am a big believer in the ability of our dreams to help us dissect certain aspects of our lives. And last night I had a really crazy one! I was so moved by it that when I came to work I started looking up what the different moments in the dream could have represented and as the pieces came together I started getting goose bumps by how accurate it all was. So I'd like to share it with you now but I'm going to summarize it a little so that this post wont be extremely long!

Okay, so, I dreamed last night that I met a guy at John Green's book signing on Saturday (which I didn't but the book signing was still amazing!!!). I was sitting out on this paved walkway in front of a hospital with him, and we were talking and flirting and smiling and blushing. Finally I turn to the guy (let's just call him Guy because in my dream he didn't have a name), and I say "Okay, I'm just going to say it, I like you. I don't know how you feel about me, but I like you." 

The next thing I know the dream has fast forward and Guy is all the way across this field (a dried up Oklahoma kind of field) that leads to the parking lot for the hospital and he is talking to this group of people. I'm devastated! I just told him that I liked him and he ran away! Then all of a sudden he has his fists up pumping the air and shouting "She Likes Me!"

And of course, I'm ecstatic, but Oh No, out of nowhere my nose starts bleeding (which in real life happens all the time!), and I mean it is gushing!!! So I jump up and run into the hospital. I can't find where to go to get tissue but I find a door so I run inside. Once inside I realize that it is a nursery filled with just rows of babies. The nurses help me get cleaned up, but I'm in there for a while and I know Guy is worried. 

Finally, I open the door and Guy is leaning against the wall next to the door with his back to me, and he is talking to John Green! I see that behind John Green there is this big bathroom and I remember thinking that I couldn't believe it was there all along. But, anyways, I reach out for Guy and put my arm around him. He looked down at me all concerned and asked if I was okay and I was like "Yeah, I had a quick problem but I'm good now." then I turned to John Green and was like "Oh My God You Are John Green!!!" And we talked for a bit and John told Guy that he liked me and approved highly of me. Then Guy and I kissed and I was really happy, like deliriously warm kind of a happy.

And then I woke up. 

So, What does this all mean?

Hospitals = seeking help with physical/mental health

Dried up Fields = pessimism and jaded prospects

Blood = being emotionally drained

Bloody nose = feeling like your character is being attacked

Nurseries = regressing back to your old self

So the first interesting thing is that I dreamed I told a guy I liked him and then I assumed that he ran across a field to get away from me when really he was going to tell people how happy he was. That was very pessimistic of me! But that is what I assume all the time! And it is that pessimism that I am trying to change (or attack) now!

The other interesting part, is that I am on this journey of change (which is attacking my pessimism) and I am seeking help (which is why I ran into the hospital) my fear is that I will regress back to my old ways (which explains the nursery) and it is going to take sometime (which was represented by how long I was behind the door making Guy worry). 

But then I opened the door to find him waiting for me. I noticed the bathroom (which represents that I had another option all along but I just couldn't see it and chose to run to the nursery) and in that moment when I had my past behind me (nursery) and a different path across from me (bathroom), what did I do? I reached out to Guy. In the end, I chose him.

And John Green approved!

A Perfect Love Song

My friends Tracy, Andrea, and I are going to Austin tomorrow to see one of our favorite authors, John Green, at a book signing for his newest novel, The Fault In Our Stars.
John will be in Austin along with his brother Hank. Hank is a musician and he will be performing a few songs at the signing. So, in looking forward to this trip I've been listening to Hank Green all morning. And he has one song called Adult Female that I think, is actually, quite a perfect love song.

This song is for a girl

no wait I changed my mind

this song, is for an adult female

Is it just me or is it creepy

how often pet names refer to little children?

And it's not just girl

and it's not just baby

it's also boy and I think it's where we get shawty.

So this song is for the adult female I love

And if there's anything she's been dreaming of

All she has to do is ask.

And if she wants me to

I'll do whatever she asks me to do

as long as it isn't really evil

or otherwise makes me uncomfortable.

cause that's what love is, and I have it, for her.

This song is about love

But not what we think of as love,

especially if we are Justin Bieber

Love is hard and love is messy

And it can hurt worse than fire And sometimes it makes you want to tear down a

building with your bare hands

But it also happens to be

the best thing that's ever happened to me

And I'm obviously not a big fan of hyperbole.

So this song is for the adult female I love

And if there's anything that she's been dreaming of

And if I can acquire it with the amount of money I have

without making myself destitute then

all she has to do is ask

And I'll be with her until the end of time

as long as time ends before one of us dies.

cause that's what love is, and I have it

P.S. I simply copy and pasted the lyrics so I don't know why certain parts our in white, that was not my intention but I'm in a hurry and don't have to fix it!!!

Where I've been all day

As of tomorrow we will officially be two weeks into this new year.

As of yesterday I received the second phone call of the year, from my mother informing me of someone in my life passing away.


The first was a family friend, Don. He was in a car accident after leaving his churches's New Year's Eve party not to long after midnight. He died having just left the company of his friends, with his wife beside him, and comforted knowing his daughter was safe at home. 


The second was my uncle, Karl. He died from complications with his chromes disease and decades long battle with alcoholism. He died alone, in his home, on Monday. His body wasn't found until my father managed to get into his home, after several un-returned phone calls, and found him. 


I know that plenty of my friends will say that I am not my uncle. That I have so many friends and family members around me that love and care about me.

But don't you think there was a time when Karl had friends too? Friends who were there for him, years ago, when he went through rehab. But at the time of his death he had one friend. Only one, some girl named Holly that now we can't find a number for and have no way of telling her that he is gone. Karl had four siblings and tons of aunts, uncles, and cousins. But the only family he had to spend time with when he got sick was my dad. My dad who brought him food every week and cleaned up his messes. 


There was a time, when I was younger, that I was infatuated with Karl. I would have thought that he had hung the moon. However, in the months leading up to now, I've been referring to him as my "Crazy Uncle Karl".


Last week I finished reading a book called Will Grayson, Will Grayson co-authored by John Green. In it, Green wrote;

"I just think if you don't say the honest thing, sometimes the honest thing never becomes true..."

Throughout this year, if there was ever one post that I were to write that would just be for me. Just one post where I could say the thing that everyone thinks, but no one ever vocalizes. The thoughts we aren't supposed to worry about because it is embarrassing. 

If I write one post where I finally say that honest thing, then let me simply say this...

This year, this journey, I need it to work. 

I have to tear down my walls. I have to quit hiding, because...

I don't want to die alone.

I don't want to die not knowing what it feels like to have someone choose me.

I don't want to die without knowing what it will take from me, to choose that person as well.