So, I left off on my last post with the reflection on the question of what I am hiding.
A few days after I had dinner with Tracy, when she broke down a lot of stuff for me, I then went and hung out with my friend Amanda. Amanda and I got into a discussion about this blog, and she got me thinking about a vague reference I made a few posts ago, that was about the struggles I have had with depression.
Sometimes it is hard for me to look back and try to remember what was going on with me that made that time so difficult. It is like, when I am better I just don't even want to think about it. Looking back now, it is hard for me to remember all the things that were upsetting me.
The way I see it, my depression is like the trash compactor scene in Star Wars. (nice reference right?) It is as if I have this door that leads down to this room. A room that is covered wall to wall with trash and disgusting garbage. The water is rising up past your knees and no one knows what kinds of slimy creatures are lurking in its depths just waiting to pull you under. When my depression is bad, the walls are closing in on me and I'm beginning to suffocate. When I get better, the walls retract, I can breath again, the water resides, and I am just left with the aftermath.
Of course, I don't deal with the aftermath. Or at least I haven't, until now. But before, as soon as the walls retracted I hightailed it out of there! Then I spend the rest of my time scratching my head, unable to remember what lead me down there in the first place.
I may not remember what led me to open the door and go into that room, but I do remember two thoughts I had once I was down there. One; I wanted the pain to stop. I never doubted my friends loved me, and I never thought my parents would be better off without me. I knew that God had a place for me in this world, but if that place was going to be this painful, I didn't want it. Two; how could I ever have a family, if I can't bring this on my husband? I'm only 29 years old, I have another 60-70 years ahead of me. Odds are, I will go through this again. How can I put my husband through that?
Driving home from talking to Amanda was the first time it clicked; that is what I am hiding. I would rather remain fat and ugly my whole life, then to risk opening that door for someone, anyone.
Because if I did...if I let someone see down into that disgusting slimy dark room inside of me, they would never be able to look at me the same.
As you can imagine, I wasn't too thrilled when I first realized this.
But then, I realized, I have opened that door for someone.
I opened it for Father Boyer. I told him everything. And through his encouragement, I opened that door for my friend Mary and my friend Kate. Only a very small group of my friends knew what I was going through when I was going through it. And to those friends I gave different degrees of information. Some friends I showed them the hallway, others I would actually show them the door, but I only opened it for Father Boyer. And because he knew Mary, he requested for me to tell her everything, and I did.
And because I love Kate, I shared with her as well. But I do think that there were a few corners of that dark room that I hid even from her.
And you know what I have only now started to fully appreciate? They still love me. They still look at me the same. They have never once looked at me or treated me like I was broken.
And now that I am finally starting to understand that this dark and slimy room doesn't define me, that I don't have to hide it, I actually have hope!
It is like I now have this little warm fuzzy ball of hope and peace inside me that is starting to grow. It is like one of those dandelion seed heads that you blow on as a kid. It isn't cemented inside me yet, and I don't want to blow to hard at testing my theory, for fear that it will all blow away.
I think, before, I believed I could get a husband, but I just wouldn't be able to show him that room. Not all of it. I would have to clean it out first or get rid of it entirely, which seemed impossible. I still felt like I would have to hide who I was in order to get someone to love me. But I am actually starting to believe, really and truly believe, that someone will love me. The real me, slimy dark room and all.
I don't have to change who I am to find love!
That's huge!
Knowing it is huge, believing it is HUGE!!!
Now I kind of feel like I am not just opening that door for people, I feel like I am taking out the hinges!
Walls and doors are crumbling people!
And it has only been a month!
I'm so glad to hear that you're making some headway! I mean, there's always that cliche, "You have to love yourself before you can love someone else" or is it "You have to love yourself before you can expect someone else to love you?" Either way, it's a cliche for a reason. No one should have to change themselves in any way to be loved (unless you're a serial killer or something, then yes, I would expect that would be a deal breaker). You are who you are and obviously you have tons of friends who love you the way you are - what would make that any different in a romantic relationship?
ReplyDeleteAnd I meant to comment on your "What's in a Type?" post, but I kept forgetting, and it kind of goes along with this post, so I'll just say it here. Types are pointless. Yes, everyone has this "type" that they are automatically attracted to (mine is that Weezer-type guy who skateboards and plays guitar and has literary or artistic tattoos), but that's all it amounts to. A lot of those guys that I've been attracted to in the past were complete jerks. I was still attracted to them, but I did NOT want to marry them or even date them. And my husband is nothing like those guys (although he is just the right amount of nerdy for me ;) ). And then when you get past those physical attraction types you get into the other things that people "look for" in a mate - a good job like a doctor or something, a nice car, etc. I'm not saying that you have these types of requirements for your future husband, I'm just trying to say that these "types" are NOT IMPORTANT.
Also, you were talking about someone not being in the other person's league. I mean, I think there is something to that, but I really think that all physical/romantic relationships boil down to one thing: You're either attracted to them, or you're not. If you are, go for it! If you're not, then let them know (and yes, you can use the "You're not my type" line in this instance, although, "I really don't see you that way" is more accurate and probably nicer). And if you're attracted to someone but you think they're not in your league, you might need to rethink your reasons behind rejecting them. I'm not saying YOU, specifically, Courtney, I'm just speaking in general terms here.
I think everyone's "type" should be: Someone who you find physically attractive, someone who is nice to you and your friends, someone who can make you laugh, someone who listens to you and cares about you, someone who always has your back, and someone who values you and your opinions. The End.
Then all you have to worry about, once you've found someone like that, is that you're both on the same page about what you're looking for. This, I think, is the hardest part. The timing's everything.
But I really think you're moving in the right direction, and at a great pace! Your priest (and friends) have been a wealth of information and now that you know that you don't have to change to be able to be loved, loving yourself will not be as hard as it seemed before.
I love you and I'm here for you whenever you need me!
I don't always know what to say, but I did want to let you know that I'm reading and I'm always moved by these posts. It's inspiring to see the progress you've made in what seems like such a short time.
ReplyDeleteWait, I haven't seen all your dark corners?! I think you know me well enough to know that I am all about the dark corners! I think everyone, or at least everyone that's not a Stepford wife, thinks if people saw into all the dark corners of their soul that no one would love them. But I personally think that it's just a part of all of us. You know, that whole bit about no light without darkness. I find it to be true. One of the things I love about you is that you are contrary (much like myself!). You have a wonderful capacity for happiness and pure joy, and maybe the downside of that is that you also have the capacity for great sorrow. You are one of the few friends I have that I feel I can truly be myself with, and I hope you know that you can always be yourself with me- whether it's super happy Courtney or super sad Courtney- because both of those sides of you make up one of my favorite people on earth! You're my sister from a different mister!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for sharing all this. I can't even imagine all you've been through and what your feeling. But I will say this... no one likes cleaning up the aftermath. In that you're not alone.
ReplyDeleteNo one should change to find love (or friendships for that matter). We are who we are.