Fathers and Daughters

When I was little my dad had nicknames for myself and my sisters. I don't really remember what he called my sister, but me...I was his "little boy". My mother hated that he called me that, but I loved it. I loved any attention I got from my dad, and it made me feel singled out and special. I guess it was because he thought I was less girlie then my sisters and probably had hopes that I would be more of a tom boy. As a little kid, I took that to mean that he thought he would have more in common with me.


It is true that I have never really been into dresses or make up, and I was never one to beg to go shopping. I was definitely less girlie then my sisters, but I wasn't a tom boy. Only my father didn't know that. I loved the attention that I got from him so much, that I played up the version of myself I thought he would love more. I begged him to take me fishing, take me to the boat shows, to baseball games, all of it. But the whole time I was bored out of my skull.

When I had dinner with Tracy last week, this was another one of the theories that we tossed around. The theory that at a young age, I understood that in order to receive love, I had to hide who I was.


My first reaction to the realization of this particular piece was one of denial. You can not seriously be telling me that this all goes back to my parents? That has to be a cop out of some kind! It just seems way to easy! But the fact is, it's true. Children are taught how to establish relationships with members of the opposite sex, from the relationship they have with the parent of the opposite sex.

Once I realized this, the question became "What exactly is it that I'm hiding?" 


When Tracy first asked me this I couldn't think of anything. I really do feel that in my life, especially now, I do what I want to do. In all honesty I wouldn't have been able to say that a year ago. But I've grown stronger in the past year, I stick up for myself more, and I'm no longer a push over. 


I do what I want to do, say what I want to say, live how I want to live, play how I want to play, and I dance how I want to dance. I may not be a member of the Addams Family, but I certainly feel that MC Hammer's theme song for them would definitely apply.


So, what am I hiding? What am I so afraid to show people? What is it that I need to hide so badly that I would push people away, especially guys, to the degree that I have?


Well, surprisingly, I figured it out. Yep, I sure did. It took me a couple of days, but I think I have the answer. 


Unfortunalty, it will have to wait for a different post, this one is long enough as it is. 

I will make the next post ready for Tuesday, but get ready because there will be a Star Wars reference coming your way!

Intrigued? 

I thought so... :)