Dear Teen Courtney 12.11.1997 ~
How exactly is one supposed to begin a letter like this? Simply saying "Hello" sounds way to formal but it is not like we ever made up a secret language or anything that I can reference at this point. Plus it seems awkward to begin with lines like "How are you?" "What are you up to?" "How's the weather?" I may not remember what the weather was like in 1997, but I remember how you were and what you were up to.
Right now you are feeling like the black sheep. There may be large chunks of that day that I have forgotten, but that feeling, the black sheep feeling, I remember clear as crystal. I remember you felt like both your sisters were so perfect. You thought it was because they both got better grades then you or were never in as much trouble as you. But what you didn't realize is that the real problem was that you felt lost and scared and you didn't see that in them. They both seemed so happy and since you were consumed by fear, you blamed them.
I wish I could tell you that the black sheep feeling will pass. But I can't. That is probably the reason why I can remember that feeling so clearly, because in a lot of ways you still feel like the black sheep. But there is a difference. Right now you are allowing your fear alienate you from your family and to harbor such resentment towards them that you can't even be happy for them and their accomplishments. That will stop.
There will come a day when you will finally open your eyes are realize that your family loves you. And you may think they don't see the pain you are in, but they see it.
I wish I could tell you that the pain stops, but it doesn't. And there have been so many times that I have hated you for that pain. But here is something that I know you need to hear and that I need to say...
It's not your fault. It is not your fault. You are a child, you are! And you are scared and you feel alone and you are utterly and completely lost and you are grabbing onto anything that you think will keep your head above water. And I know at times that pain can do that. In its own sick and twisted way, pain can feel like a life jacket. And as much as I wish I could say something to you now to make you not depend on it, I know that you are going to. But it is not your fault.
I have spent so much of my life blaming you for grabbing onto that pain. You were a child and you were trying to survive. I am sorry that I hated you for so long. And I wish there was a more solid word then "sorry" that I could use instead, but I can't think of one. I am sorry I hated you and I am sorry for blaming you.
I know you feel like you need that pain right now, but you don't. You really really don't! And there will come a day when you will finally tap into the strength you have inside you and you will be amazed by what you find there. Because you are strong, you are brave and compassionate and smart and loyal, and okay right now you really aren't as funny as you think you are, but you will grow into your own brand of sarcasm and wit that makes me laugh on a daily basis.
Sometimes I look back on the crazy things you did and I am overwhelmingly embarrassed by you. But there is a part of me that wishes I had some of the courage you showed back then. There are moments when you don't let the risk of possibly making a fool of yourself stop you from doing whatever it is you want to do exactly when you want to do it. These days I let those risks stop me in my tracks so often I feel like I'm never going to get anywhere.
Right now you are also feeling that the friendships you have are shallow ones. Well...they are. You are in highschool, friendships are supposed to be shallow right now. But I can tell you that I have met the women you will befriend as you get older and they are some of the most incredible people you will ever meet. But I can also tell you that one of the friends you have right now will be with you forever.
All in all, your life wont turn out to be what you thought it was going to be. I can't tell you that all your dreams come true and you live happily ever after. Not because that doesn't happen, but because I'm still working on it. What I can tell you is that it does get better. The difference is so small and subtle that you wont recognize when it happens, but eventually there is enough of a shift that you are able to start breathing, and everything gets just a little bit easier.
If there was anything that I could ask you to do for me, it would be to call your grandfather and ask him to take you to church. Sounds random, I know. And it may seem impossible to believe, but there will come a day when the Catholic faith will play a huge role in your life. And one thing you will regret is never getting the chance to share that with your grandfather. That is why I am asking you to go with him now. Not because I expect you to be converted now, you may go and the spirit may not move you at all, In fact I highly doubt that it would, but just to have that memory of being in a church with him...that would be something you would treasure.
As awkward as I thought it was to begin this letter, I am finding it even harder to think of something to say to end it. Just remember, it gets better. You are better. You will find your way.
~Courtney 10.25.2012
